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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23285713">crying isn't like you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumbbitchdisease/pseuds/dumbbitchdisease'>dumbbitchdisease</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Ruby Redfort Series - Lauren Child</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Additional Warnings Apply, Alternate Universe, Depression, Developing Relationship, Disordered Eating, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up, I haven't read the series in a hot sec so excuse the errors, Illegal Activities, Mental Health Issues, My First Fanfic, Post-Canon, Recreational Drug Use, Ruby Redfort - Freeform, Teenagers, Trigger Warnings, Underage Drinking, everyone is sad and needs a hug, honestly this came to me in a dream and I don't know why I'm writing it, it might all turn out fine, post blink and you die, the teenage AU you didn't know you needed, they're all grown up now and they hate it, this is the most niche thing I'll ever write in my LIFE</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 10:28:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,725</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23285713</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dumbbitchdisease/pseuds/dumbbitchdisease</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>At the big age of 17, life's not all that changed, and Ruby is still the same girl she was at 13. Maybe a bit more grown up, a bit more self conscious, a bit more scared. But still totally in control, and still the best agent Spectrum has. Maybe a lot has changed, wouldn't make a difference though, right?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ruby Redfort/ Clancy Crew, Ruby/Beetle, Ruby/clancy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ruby rung her hands out nervously in front of her mirror. Trying desperately to tug her top down to hide herself, she saw, in full, the effects of a 3 week Redfort cruise on her 17 year old frame, and wanted immediately to reverse the summer bliss that had caused her to undergo what Ms Digby would call a ‘Perfectly Healthy Teenage Growth Spurt’.<br/>
It wasn’t that she was fat, or really anywhere close, but with teenagehood came weight redistribution, a slowed metabolism, and the occasional underage drinking; on top of a summer of sunbathing (and less swimming than intended) Ruby could see changes to her body.<br/>
She wasn’t even fully convinced that people would notice, but her shorts were digging into her thighs, leaving angry red marks, and her vest showed too much cleavage for her liking. Ruby second guessed her initial assumption that people would be as oblivious to her weight gain as she had been, and hastily changed, casting another angry glance towards her mirror as she cursed herself for allowing herself to get out of shape, and then herself again for caring.<br/>
‘Who are you, caring about your looks?’ she tried asking herself to no avail as she pulled on a pair of loose jeans and an oversized t-shirt. Her affirmations felt less sincere since she’d dissected her physical appearance for the last quarter of an hour, and since from the age of 15 and a half she’d noticed what some would call her ‘good looks’, which she felt the need to exploit in a manner that Sabina was delighted to aid.<br/>
It wasn’t that she was self-obsessed at all, she was still pretty much the same as 13 year old Ruby, but now, as she prepared to leave her house and meet everyone at Red's back to school party, she brushed though her eyebrows, winged her eyeliner, and applied lip gloss, mannerisms that would have made 13 year old Ruby unimpressed.<br/>
Grabbing her keys and showing them in a shoulder bag she glimpsed her watch flashing from her bedside table, and rushed to receive the message being displayed on its screen:</p><p>REPORT TO SPECTRUM 7 IMMEDIATELY . </p><p>Biting her lip, Ruby cursed circumstance for the third time that hour and rushed out to meet Hitch where she knew he would be in her driveway, calling a speedy goodbye to her parents before they would change their minds about letting her out only hours after their return home.<br/>
As she slid into the cool leather of his car, he gave her a wide smile, exposing white teeth and tanned skin, while Ruby adjusted her seating and returned the gesture.<br/>
‘Summer treating you well kid?’<br/>
‘Devastated to be back’<br/>
Hitch smirked as he pulled out their cul-de-sac road and into the streets of Twinford, ‘Better not tell boss that’, he said, turning rapidly down roads as they approached the newest entrance of Spectrum, ‘You’re already late, and it’s important’.<br/>
‘Yeah well could it be less important? I kinda have a party to be at half an hour ago and while I’m all for being fashionably late I do also wanna, you know, be a teenager?’<br/>
‘Hate to break it to you but you’re a spy above all else, and I think getting drunk in a house is a little less important, don’t ya think?’.<br/>
The question was rhetorical, and Ruby couldn’t tell how serious Hitch had taken her jibe at work and it’s compromises. She settled in to the drive, with her hands behind her head and sunglasses over her green eyes.<br/>
‘You hear me kid?’ he warned ‘Seriously, LB knows what it’s like to grow up, and she’ll hate to see a good agent go to waste’<br/>
‘I haven’t gone to waste’ Ruby asserted, rolling the window down. ‘I’m in my prime I’ll have you know, and I don’t care about the party, it’s called a joke, buster.'<br/>
‘Oh yeah?’ he half laughed ‘I know you don’t, all I’m saying is be prepared to make adjustments’, he casted an eye over her, ‘Your work will only mature as you do.'</p><p>Being in the same waiting room, and not being able to wander off to the gadget room as she usually would without Hitch’s presence, Ruby relaxed into the white seats, waiting for her name to be called. Finally stepping back into the white room, greeted with LB studying documents brought her right back to the world of spectrum that she had only momentarily gone without. But before too happy feelings recollected, LB glanced up irritatedly.<br/>
‘Late?’<br/>
Ruby didn’t even open her mouth before she continued<br/>
‘I don’t even want to hear it, spare me the headache.’ she turned over the paper she had been reading, ‘Big assignment, not your normal work.’<br/>
Ruby began to engage, and stopped shuffling her trainers on the immaculate white floor.<br/>
‘You’re going to be trained to be a fully fledged field agent.’<br/>
‘What have I been doing for 4 years then?” she retorted. ‘Baby stuff’, LB paused, ‘Not easy stuff, but you don’t know what you’re doing. You’re rough around the edges Redfort, and the stuff you’ll be trained to do is more, what you would call, dangerous’<br/>
‘Guns, and knives and stuff?’ Ruby said in a monotone voice that would've been applied to recall a shopping list or a biology fact.<br/>
‘Yes’, LB said in a pained tone, ‘Guns and knives and stuff’.<br/>
Ruby nodded, ‘Okay, so what does that mean?’<br/>
‘For starters, you’ll be using the Spectrum gym, your physique must be excellent above all else-’ Ruby instinctively wanted to wince as she felt LB rub salt into a fresh wound, she dug her nail into her palm behind her back, ‘is it that obvious?’ she asked herself before her thoughts were interrupted.<br/>
‘-and we will be training you to handle, and use, the most recent, and most deadly spectrum equipment. This is not light stuff, you will be holding things- and doing things-that can kill people, including yourself, and we would normally wait till the age of 18, but-‘ she paused.<br/>
‘I’m that good?’ Ruby half-heartedly replied.<br/>
‘We’ll go with that’, LB finished.<br/>
Ruby nodded again before her boss continued-<br/>
‘Froghorn will give you the full tour now’<br/>
Ruby wanted to wince again, and did this time, ‘Him?’ she said accusingly, ‘Geez I’ve only been back 2 minutes, way to kill the holiday vibes’.<br/>
LB didn’t look up, she’d already gone back to studying her sheet and making intense notes in what looked like German. ‘You’ll be late again’ she said, ‘now’.</p><p>The gym was, as expected, pretty much like every other gym, with the added kick of being barely used, and promisingly large. There was all the usual stuff, but with an impressive olympic sized pool, and machines that she couldn’t pronounce the names of, and while Froghorn liked to give the impression that he used them a lot, Ruby could tell that even he wasn’t sure what some of them did.<br/>
‘Been ordered here, have you?’ he smirked, in a tone that made Ruby want to ignore him all together.<br/>
‘Strict orders’ she said flatly. Was everyone making backhanded references to her weight or was she imagining things? She glanced once more around the room and interrupted Frogorn’s monotonous ramblings about a piece of equipment that closely resembled a steel ball-<br/>
‘Thanks, listen, been super fun, but I gotta scoot, but we can catch up back here soon? I’ve never been more excited to have a fitness buddy in my life’ she satirised while giving him an overly big smile, not giving him the time to refuse her. She practically heard his eyes rolling as she dashed for the exit, leaving the left the wing of spectrum as her companion presumably cursed her. She paced it to the exit, checking the time as she realised that 9pm was approaching and she hadn’t even touched alcohol yet. Zig-zagging her way through back alleyways, Ruby stopped by a dimly lit corner shop and slammed ten dollars on the counter.<br/>
‘However much Jack Daniels this will buy me, Sir’ she said, smiling and flashing her teeth as she dangled a shockingly good fake ID from her red-painted nails.<br/>
The guy serving her clearly didn’t believe her, but bagging her a bottle of dark liquor and diet coke he waved her away, allowing her to race once more through the darkening late summer sky.<br/>
Half running to Red's, she rung the door bell and was greeted by a red-faced girl she somewhat recognised and was uttered into the pulsing house. Hearing loud music and smelling beer and smoke she smiled as the drunk girl disappeared into one of the crowds and Red stood up and waved her over. The small-framed girl flung herself round Ruby, ‘I didn’t even think you would come!’ she cried loudly over the music, ‘You were late and I thought you wouldn’t make it’, she slightly slurred.<br/>
‘Wouldn’t miss it’ Ruby winked at her, accepting a cup of strong smelling alcohol and downing it quickly. Before she could greet anyone else she saw Clancy from across the room, and broke out into the most genuine smile she had all day. He wrapped his arms round her completely, making her feel small for the first time that day, and gave her a bleary eyed smile that proved he had already drank a fair bit before her arrival.<br/>
‘What time d’ya call this?’ he mock scolded her. ‘Wayyy past curfew, you’re grounded’ he slurred, then gave away his stern look and hugged her again. ‘Miss’dyou’ he said as she disentangled herself from him, rolling her eyes at his soppiness.<br/>
‘Not for long’ she smiled ‘bet you kept yourself busy’, she indicated towards a pretty brunette who was currently laughing with a group of girls, ‘Clara been very time consuming I imagine’ Ruby nudged him. He had definitely grown over the months away in Thailand, and Ruby noted the heavy freckles that painted his face and the tanned skin that outlined his equally lanky frame. Clancy smiled and laughed, Clara had been ‘helping him with French re-sits’ all summer, and Ruby was the first to imagine that they did a lot more than recall vocab on their many late night ‘revision sessions’.<br/>
‘We made it official’ he half-yelled over the heavy bass, ‘so yeah I guess you could say I almost forgot you existed’.<br/>
Ruby playfully shoved him backwards, but deciding getting more drunk was a priority, went to seek a drink. She felt arms snake round her waist and turned round to greet Beetle, whose hands had planted themselves firmly round her mid-section as he kissed her on the cheek.<br/>
‘Long time no see’ he smirked.<br/>
Ruby returned his greeting with a kiss on the lips, then, feeling heat under his fingers, wriggled out of his grip to locate another cup, pulling him with her as she made her way to the drinks table.<br/>
Catching up with at least 20 people gave her the time to get well and truly wasted, for the first time in weeks, and seeing Clancy pull Clara close in the main body of the crowd near the speakers, she took another drag of Beetle’s cigarette, and stubbed it with the determination to fuck in one of the guest rooms she knew Red's family didn’t use.<br/>
With the music muffled in the dark envelope of the dimly lit room, Ruby felt the full effects of the cocktail of liquors she had drank in rapid pace, and hastily removed her clothes while her boyfriend did the same. As they muddled and laughed together in the dark and blur of drunkenness, Ruby forgot to feel self-conscious about the things that had consumed her mind hours before, and when she traced the body that she knew so well, she heard Beetle whisper, ‘Mmmm’, but his hands were on her waist again, and she somehow knew what would come next,<br/>
‘You’ve filled out babe, it’s hot,’<br/>
She wanted to cringe, and she felt her cheeks get hot, a sign her boyfriend would probably assume to be arousal or something positive he induced, but she wanted to shove him off and go home. After 20 minutes of the longest sex of her life, she felt his weight off her, and now, impressively sober, she wriggled back into her previous attire, hardly looking at him.<br/>
‘In a bit’ she smiled at him, attempting to prove that she was unfazed by his comments at her body, and his apparent unawareness of its effects it had on her.<br/>
He gave her a sleepy smile as he got dressed, and she slipped out the door, hating him for a second.<br/>
Ruby knew it was late, and she wanted to be in bed immediately, so rushing to find Clancy she finished putting her shoes on and checked the rooms.<br/>
‘You seen Clance?’ she finally questioned when she saw Eliot.<br/>
‘Left with Clara a while ago’ he yawned, ‘You need a ride home?’<br/>
She declined the offer on grounds that he would probably crash, and quietly exited the still busy house with a numbness that could only be brought on from the fleeting effects of alcohol, a clueless boyfriend, and a useless best friend.<br/>
‘He wasn’t kidding when he said he forgot you existed huh’ she murmured to herself as she wrapped her arms around her frame. Pacing home, having lost her proclaimed escort home, she bit back tears in a un-Ruby manner. Mounting the side of her house to her bedroom, not bearing to encounter any parents or housekeepers who may accuse her of drinking exactly what she had been, she collapsed into bed, not bothering to remove the makeup she had been wearing all evening, tiredness engulfing her in a sudden wave that forced her to drop off in seconds, into a soundless, dreamless sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ruby woke up urgently, in a sort of shudder, hearing the way too loud metallic shrill of her newest telephone (one resembling a bowling ball) and strongly feeling as if she needed to shower. <br/>It was Clancy who had called, and as Ruby’s tired mind pieced the sequences of last night’s events together, she listened patiently to Clancy apologising down the line, offering breakfast (on him) and then apologising again. <br/>‘Don’t let it happen again’ she replied somewhat flatly, pinning the phone to her ear with one hand and removing her smudged eye make up with another. ‘Could’ve been killed by Eliot’s awful driving’ she corrected with a slightly more sarcastic tone, ‘then my death would weigh on your conscience’.<br/>She heard Clancy exhale and half laugh. ‘Yeah I’d have to throw you a great funeral to compensate’ he said, clearly relieved, ’But you let Eliot drive you home?’<br/>‘I wouldn’t be alive to have this conversation if I had’ Ruby retorted, now struggling out of her clothes while running a shower. ‘But meet at the Diner in 20?’, she didn’t wait for a reply as she dropped the phone back into its receiver, hopping into the hot water. <br/>She tactfully avoided looking at her reflection in the full length mirror, having recalled enough of last night to remember the humiliation of Beetles “compliment” on top of the other jibes she had felt since her return. She now resolved to take advantage of Spectrum’s gym, and while she scrubbed her body clean from last nights smoke and sweat, she winced at the thought of having to consume the high fat meal that awaited her.<br/>Sliding into the booth that Clancy was sat at, sunglasses covering his eyes and a bucket hat half covering his forehead as he sipped a smoothie patiently, Ruby grinned and settles down, advancing onto the green smoothie that awaited her.<br/>‘I have a headache’ he half moaned through his mouthfuls.<br/>‘Yeah’ was all Ruby could manage, ‘that’s underage drinking for ya’.<br/>‘Sorry again for last night’ <br/>‘It’s fine’ Ruby said somewhat defensively, annoyed at herself for allowing him to even suspect that it would’ve upset her, ‘I don’t need a chauffeur home y’know’.’<br/>Clancy shrugged. ‘Not at that, just don’t want you to think I bailed you’, he made eye contact while sucking at his drink heavily.<br/>‘I was truly heartbroken’ Ruby said in a mock sad voice, looking into her straw with intention. Clancy laughed and studied the menu with intensity.<br/>‘So what’ve Spectrum roped you into this time?’ he asked as he finished off his drink. ‘I’m guessing it’s something big and important that made you late?’<br/>‘Hardly’, she started. ‘Well, kind of big, I’m going to be a fully realised field agent’ she finished off.<br/>Clancy looked at her expressionlessly. ‘How’s that different?”<br/>Ruby sighed, ‘I’ll be trained’ she paused, ‘Y’know, to kill people.’<br/>Clancy’s eyes widened. ‘Like the military’ he said nodding his head.<br/>Ruby rolled her eyes. ‘I don’t agree with the military though.’<br/>‘How’s this different?’<br/>She shrugged. 'you know it is’ she paused, ‘and I’ll only be killing bad guys? not y’know, just anyone unlucky enough to be on the battlefield.’<br/>‘Yeah I guess’, Clancy mused as he readjusted his dark lensed glasses, ‘You exited?’<br/>Ruby shrugged again. ‘I dunno, have to really fit from what they’ve hinted at, so I’m gna be working out a lot at their gym’<br/>Clancy smiled. ‘Hulking season came early this year.’<br/>Ruby laughed and swirled the remanence of her smoothie, ‘I’ll have way bigger muscles than you.’<br/>‘Not a hard task Rubes.’<br/>They both grinned and he looked at her as if he wanted to ask her something, but she cut him off.<br/>‘How was your summer though? How was Thailand? was Olive awful?’<br/>He pulled a face that indicated at extreme pain. ‘Brattish as always’ he sighed before continuing. ‘Dead without you though, obviously, lets never allow our parents to drag us away for that long again’'<br/>Ruby laughed again, and before she could further question him, Clancy was ordering food and looking at her expectantly as the waitress poised her notepad towards her seat.<br/>‘Oh nothing for now, thanks’ she smiled at the woman. <br/>Clancy looked at her questioningly. ‘Not even the signature hangover cure?’<br/>The waitress left and Ruby scrunched up her face, she didn't feel like pancakes would bode well with her fitness plan. ‘I’ll throw up’ she said convincingly, ‘Remind me dark spirits and me don’t sit well.’</p><p>Ruby exhaled heavily before stepping into the light airy room. Feeling a little self conscious in her leggings and sports bra, she stepped cautiously into the gym and quickly selected her machine of choice while hoping not to encounter anyone. Choosing the modest running machine, she ran quietly for a few minutes, then upped the speed while feeling perspiration beginning to form at her temples and base of her neck.<br/>After what felt like decades, she stepped off, feeling the heat and dizziness of her run as she breathed loudly while regaining strength. Inadvertently glancing the full of her body in the mirrored walls parallel to her, she frowned, and abandoning the cursed equipment, sought out her swimsuit. Ruby spent the remainder of her morning cooling off in the giant pool, reclined on her back and calm in the water.<br/>She opened her eyes suddenly as she heard the big wooden door to her right open, and was only half happy to see Blacker approaching, with a towel slung round his neck.<br/>‘Ruby! Wasn’t expecting to catch you here’ he said easily, offering her a genuine smile as he met her at the edge of the pool. <br/>She smiled at the reunification of her closest work acquaintance. ‘Thought a few laps might reverse the hangover.’<br/>Blacker laughed, ‘I just use the steam room here, It’s honestly more of a spa to me.’ he paused ‘But you’ve got the right idea, I should be working out too.’<br/>‘Well you’d beat Foghorn as a gym buddy.’ Ruby hoped he would never take her up on that offer. She was embarrassed to be here in the first place. ‘Does he think they’ve ordered me here because they want me to lose weight?’ she thought, distracted from Blacker’s talk of his holiday that involved him breaking a steam room mechanism. ‘Do they want me to lose weight? Does everyone see what Beetle sees?’<br/>Blacker had obviously just asked her something, and Ruby snapped back to their conversation and rambled on, answering somewhat appropriately.<br/>‘Well I’ll be seeing you around’ he called after himself as he waved her goodbye, swinging through the same doors that welcomed him. Ruby saluted him back, then once the coast was clear she rested her head on the cold tiles surrounding the water, feeling a dull thudding in her head and an ache in her stomach.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>kinda short chapter cos i didn't wanna make one super long but more chapters coming soon!! I don't always check my writing so xcuse the bad grammar (probably)<br/>:) still dunno why i'm writing this !</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Skateboarding home, Ruby breezed into her household as the late August sun flickered through the trees on her drive, leaves just turning yellow with the promises of autumn. Mrs Digby had been making Sushi, and Ruby’s stomach was loudly protesting at the lack of solid food she’d consumed that day as she slammed the door shut after herself, breathless and still slightly damp from her swim. <br/>‘Child, where have you been? First you don’t say goodnight after you come home last night and then you disappear all day? I grieve your parents, you’re lucky they hardly turn an eye to this sort of behaviour.’ her housekeeper scolded while offering her a glass of mango juice and some immaculately rolled balls of rice. Ruby knew Mrs Digby didn’t really care, and she gave her her best ‘I’m sorry’ smile as she ate her way through the Japanese cuisine. <br/>Making her way upstairs, Ruby saw her answer machine flashing, and lazily pressing the receiver she gulped down the last of her drink. <br/>‘Rube, it’s…Del, you seen my mom’s butter dish? I would honestly be confused if you had, but someone’s taken it, God knows why. Call me if you know who would’ve taken it, or why…my house is a MESS Rube…I’m never throwing another party again. Call me if you wanna talk.’<br/>Ruby erased the message, smiling before the other one played.<br/>‘Rube, come round today, Clem and the others are here if you wanna smoke a bit’ Ruby knew Beetle never introduced himself on voicemails. ‘Miss youuu, thanks for another great night, call me back.’ <br/>Ruby looked at her watch, 5pm, she shifted her weight from leg to leg and bit her lip as she erased the message, her boyfriend somehow being the last person on earth she wanted to see right now.<br/>‘I’ll go tomorrow.’ she absolved. ‘Or on Wednesday.’ She cast an eye over the heaps of clothes littering her floor from last nights and this morning’s rush, then to the books and CD’s that heaped her desk. She rubbed her eyes, tiredness enveloping her. School started again in 5 days and she knew she needed to do her summer assignments, having left them to the last minute in an un-Rubysih manner. <br/>Flopping onto her un-made bed, she pulled the covers up to her eyes and once again slipped into sleep, not being woken up for dinner, waking up early the next morning with only the vague satisfaction of having missed a meal.</p><p>The weeks following the start of school only brought the inevitable stress that came with the near approaching end of public education, and the promise of university. Ruby had already been offered places from 6 prestigious colleges, so it wasn’t as if she was worried about her grades, or her future, but she noticed the non-stop schoolwork (that actually required time, and effort, and doing for once) and the nagging parents who constantly reminded her of its importance. There were beach parties, gatherings with her closest friends, and more intoxicated nights with Beetle, and mornings at the gym, some evenings at the gym if she couldn’t go in the morning. Everyone settled back into the routine of working, socialising, sleeping, and eating, although Ruby had tried considerably to reduce her caloric intake in the days that passed since her rude awakening. Now, tying her long hair in a high ponytail, she prepared for the more “dangerous” training she would be receiving at Spectrum, having had to sacrifice another skinny-dipping session at the beach for the demand of her work. <br/>Hitch drover her there silently, both passengers quieted from the sleepy dusk that had elapsed over the town, which was settling down for the September night. <br/>The reason for her being at Spectrum was slightly cooler than she expected, as she was ushered into a room with a small blonde woman with sharply cut blond hair and very clear eyes, who was introduced to her as ‘Anna’, with no ‘agent’ prefix. <br/>Anna spoke maybe 15 words to her in the hour as Ruby was taught how to hold and handle guns, the most frequent utterance being ‘No’, as a corrective critique, which Ruby didn’t exactly mind, being somewhat intimidated by the very cold, (and very large) machinery she was dealing with. <br/>Feeling like she’d done very little, but made a lot of mistakes by the end of their session, Ruby  nodded at her companion curtly, sensing it would be a waste of energy to even try to converse with Anna, who presumably spent more time shooting, and less time talking to most the people she dealt with. Re-lacing her trainers, and collecting her stuff, Ruby was sent back to Hitch, who was waiting near the exit. <br/>‘Meet Anna?’<br/>‘Yeah’<br/>‘She’s a good gun-woman.’<br/>‘I can tell’ Ruby paused, ‘not much of a people-woman though’<br/>‘Oh she talks plenty when you get to know her.’<br/>Ruby doubted this heavily, and biting into the jelly donut that Hitch had brought her, she felt the hunger, or perhaps adrenaline, that flooded her system now she was safely out the way of the threatening metal. <br/>‘Home?’ Hitch enquired.<br/>Ruby examined the time. 7:49pm. She yawned and rested her head back on the seat. <br/>‘Yeah’ she said. ‘I’m shattered. I’ll meet them tomorrow.’ she decided to herself, sort of relieved to just sleep.<br/>Clancy disagreed with her decision, however, as he half angrily, half despairingly ranted to her the next day at lunch:<br/>‘These are the best years of our life Rube, our life’<br/>‘Clance, your dad still wants you home by 11, don’t talk to me about wasting teenage years.’ Besides’ she continued, ‘I had spectrum stuff, you know the drill.’<br/>‘Yeah but I saw Hitch’s car at like 8, and I was just heading out! You could’ve joined us.’<br/>Ruby felt defensive again, not liking to be accused of missing out on anything. Opening her mouth, but closing it again, she just rolled her eyes at him and went back to the Chemistry work she was finishing up for her next lesson, having slept through her designated homework time last evening. <br/>‘Well I at least hope you’re coming to Red’s on Friday’ he protested. <br/>Ruby glanced up. ‘Did she find her butter dish?’<br/>Clancy looked at her like she was crazy. ‘What? I dunno, but Eliot somehow made her throw another “small gathering” so you can’t miss it. Seriously. She’ll be pissed if you do’<br/>‘Who’ll be pissed about what?’ Red said, smiling and slumping into the seat next to Clancy, balancing a sandwich and an apple on top of her textbooks. <br/>‘You’ll be mad if Ruby bails on your party this Friday’<br/>‘Oh yeah totally’ Red affirmed. ‘I’ll hate you forever.’<br/>‘Find the butter dish?’<br/>Red looked at her blankly, then made a face. ‘Someone smashed it.’<br/>‘You smashed it, idiot.’ Eliot chimed in, squeezing next to her.<br/>‘So you’re coming?’ Clancy stated again, looking at her.<br/>‘Course.’ she said, not exactly planning on missing it, but aware of the mounting work she had to do, let alone on top of Spectrum and socialising.<br/>‘I’m not that boring.’</p><p>Now Ruby sort of regretted it, though. Hitch had told her she would have another meeting with Anna over the weekend, and Ruby sensed that with her luck, it would probably be tonight. So while she selected an outfit and layered her necklaces, she made a mental note to not drink too much.<br/>‘Your work is your priority.’ she asserted to herself in the mirror while putting in hoops. ‘If they find you drunk, they’ll think you’re ridiculous.’ She knew LB would give her a look that read; ‘really?” and she could imagine Hitch would not let her hear the end of it if he witnessed her after one too many beer pong games. <br/>Squeezing herself down the laundry chute (old habits die hard) Ruby exited her house, once again rushing as she’d lost track of time at the gym, having to encounter Froghorn there, while also trying to out-exercise him, proved more time consuming than she had accounted for. <br/>Slightly out of breath from her jog to Red’s, Ruby appeared, only 28 minutes later than promised, with a bottle of wine for condolences. <br/>‘Better late than never’ she grinned as Red opened the door, looking slightly stressed and ushering her as she was informed of the ‘slight dilemma’ about the new carpet. <br/>‘You’re late.’ Del said with narrowed eyes as she came through into the kitchen.<br/>‘Sorry mom’ Ruby mocked back.<br/>‘She brought wine, all is forgiven’ Red said in a strained voice while trying to curl up the large oriental rug that dominated the floorspace. ‘But please help me move everything breakable, or stealable.’<br/>Ruby sorted herself near the ‘good plates’ cabinet, carefully taking out the delicate china and avoiding the pizza box that her friends were gorging on. <br/>Clancy was taking the plates that she passed out and stacking them in a box that would be moved upstairs. ‘Beetle coming?’<br/>‘Nah, he’s not feeling well’ Ruby sighed.<br/>Clancy nodded, biting into a slice of pizza and offering her one with his free hand. She shook her hand. <br/>‘Already had dinner with the ‘rents.’ she lied. Truthfully she was wearing a cropped t-shirt, and didn’t want to look bloated, but Clancy obviously wouldn’t have understood that. <br/>As the group finished packing up everything precious, or semi-precious, or valuable, people started arriving, and soon the ‘small gathering’ turned into a very large gathering, with Red way too drunk, way to early, and everyone else well on their way. <br/>It was early, only around 9pm when Clancy said the downstairs phone was ringing for her. Annoyed to have been interrupted from her table football match with Del, she held the phone to her ear moodily.<br/>‘Ruby?’ Bailey asked.<br/>‘What?’ she responded, feeling more drunk than 5 minutes ago and irked that he was calling her rather than being there incarnate. ‘What’s up.’<br/>‘Come over’ <br/>‘I’m at Red’s, you should be too, I told you you were invited’ she puzzled at him while signalling to Del she would me a minute. ‘You said you were sick.’<br/>‘My parents won’t let me out, but Sylvie and some others are coming round, it’ll be fun’<br/>‘I’m not bailing Red, sorry’ she replied coldly.<br/>‘Babe, sorry, if I could come out I would’ <br/>‘Whatever.’ she knew it wasn’t really his fault, and she also didn’t especially want him there either, enjoying the night with only her friends for once. <br/>‘I miss you, I’ve hardly seen you all week.’<br/>‘Yeah-‘ she was cut off as Red’s mom called the line, and Ruby took the advantage to hand the receiver to the host and venture off outside. <br/>After another intense game of table-football (that she lost), Del looked, in annoyance, at her wrist.<br/>‘It’s been flashing for ages, your watch’ she half-yelled over the table. Ruby looked down immediately to see the fly flashing red, with the message;</p><p>REPORT TO SPECTRUM IMMEDIATELY </p><p>displayed on the screen. <br/>‘You should change the batteries or something.’ Del concluded while Ruby nodded, evidently irritated and heading upstairs. <br/>‘Just my luck’ she cursed as she went to freshen up. Looking at her reflection in Red’s en suite, she exhaled heavily and removed the smudges from her mascara and washed her mouth out. <br/>‘That’ll have to do’ she thought despairingly as she observed her quite clearly tipsy reflection once more before heading out. <br/>Hitch was waiting outside Red’s house for her, and she entered the car discreetly, hoping no one saw her to assume she was being picked up from a high school party like some little kid. <br/>‘You smell like an ash-tray kid’ Hitch said grimly.<br/>‘Don’t’ Ruby warned. <br/>‘LB isn’t going to be happy’ he continued in a sing-song voice that maddened her. <br/>‘It’s fine. I’m not even drunk’ Ruby said, almost instantly regretting it as she felt alcohol hit her in a new wave of intensity, it only just sinking in that after her tactfully avoided dinner, her measly lunch would not suffice the drink consumption. <br/>Dizziness overtaking her, she opened the window. <br/>‘Not throwing up I hope’ Hitch chucked. <br/>‘Shut up’ she slurred back.</p><p>LB clearly knew she was drunk before she even entered the room, but as she looked up from her paperwork to assess her, Ruby wanted to disappear. LB cleared her throat. <br/>‘Is that your work attire?’<br/>Ruby looked down at her t-shirt. It had been cut, badly, and its slogan, that once read ‘I’d rather be sleeping’ had long since been scribbled out and replaced with ‘I’d rather be DEAD’<br/>Fitting, Ruby thought, for this occasion. <br/>Ruby coughed slightly. ‘I wasn’t, um, expecting to be called so late.’<br/>LB glanced at the white clock above her head. <br/>‘Is 10:17pm out of office hours?’<br/>Ruby shifted her weight uncomfortably. ‘I didn’t think, um, I’d be expected to.. y’know, meet with Anna this late.’ LB looked at her credulously. ‘to handle guns.’ Ruby finished lamely.<br/>‘I suppose so.’ LB said flatly, looking back down to her paper. <br/>Silence elapsed and Ruby felt a ringing in her ears. ‘I’ll go then.’ she started and turned to leave the room. <br/>She heard LB laugh, not cruelly, but a sort of short, sharp ‘Ha’ sound that made her turn back around to face her boss. <br/>‘Redfort, if you expect me to let you handle heavy machinery after a high-school party, you’re out of your mind.’ Ruby held her breath. ‘Go home.’ LB finished coldly, ‘you’re clearly intoxicated.’ <br/>Ruby opened her mouth to protest, then to apologise, but LB silenced her with a hand gesture that indicated at her dismissal. <br/>Ruby turned on her heel again, and as she met the door she heard LB’s final comment:<br/>‘You aren’t taking this seriously, Redfort.’<br/>She had said it almost as a command, or a judgement, in a tone of disgust that reminded Ruby of her youth, and apparent inexperience in Spectrum’s eyes. To them, she was a teenager, a liability, and probably not the field agent they would want and expect. <br/>Ruby paused after hearing this, but didn’t look back, instead pushed the door open, and continuing out of the Spectrum, through the winding coloured tunnels, white to red to pink. Pink to purple to blue. She felt sober now, and tired, ‘you Idiot’ she whispered to herself. Blue to darker blue to black. ’You idiot.’</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i know there r typos in this 1 oop</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clancy flopped down on the opposite side of her in a dramatic and loud fashion, making her jump and look up from her scribbled lined paper.<br/>
‘Hey stranger.’<br/>
Ruby returned her eyes to stare at her essay with only a brief nod as acknowledgement.<br/>
‘Long time no see?’ he tried again to no avail, Ruby was rubbing her temples and trying to indicate that she was busy and not currently in the talking mood.<br/>
‘Okay you can’t seriously be working all through lunch, at least look at me, I’ll leave you alone in like, 2 minutes.’<br/>
Ruby felt bad and looked up. Their timetables meant that they weren’t always in school at the same time, and especially with the recent workloads (and Ruby’s tactful distancing), it felt as if they rarely saw each other.<br/>
‘Sorry, trying to finish this essay.’<br/>
Clancy swiped the paper from her and cast a glance over her scrawled handwriting.<br/>
‘Oooh, King Lear? Luckyy, we are studying Romeo and Juliet’ he rambled, pulling a face.<br/>
She couldn’t help but smile. Clancy was probably the only person she knew who genuinely loved English, and was good at it too -good enough to get a full scholarship for it.<br/>
‘When’s it due?”<br/>
‘Tomorrow, um, period 3?’<br/>
‘Okay’ he said, reading her attempts at a thesis, ‘I will make you a proposition.’<br/>
‘I don’t like your deals’ she returned, trying to grab her paper back.<br/>
Clancy rolled his eyes, ‘come round to mine today, I’m having a barbecue, and I'll take care of this’ he said, waving the crumpled sheet of paper.<br/>
‘Sounds terrible, I’ll pass’ Ruby semi-joked back. Clancy was not a renowned cook.<br/>
‘No! It sounds great’ he whined at her, ‘my parents are out of town for the evening and Olive is at a playdate.’<br/>
‘It’s October’ she said, frowning and indicating to the greyish sky outside the canteen. ‘Not really barbecue weather don’t ya think?’ She knew Clancy was only trying to get her out the house because she’d basically locked herself in for the past 3 weeks.<br/>
‘Rube, you’re overworking yourself! Just come out, it won’t be a repeat of last time’ he said promisingly. He had been the first to know about the ‘incident’ at Spectrum, and was the first to console Ruby and assure her that they wouldn’t fire her ( it would have been ‘completely uncalled for’ in his words). He had also excused Ruby’s absence to Red (she’d promised she would help her clear up) so had saved her from the an annoyed friend, and Ruby knew she owed him one, but she hadn’t forgiven herself for apparently ‘not taking it seriously’ and recently she had determined to keep her head down and focus.<br/>
‘No drinking’ he continued, ‘I mean, you won’t be drinking, other people will’ he paused, looking at her expectantly. ‘It’ll be fun. Just our friends, don’t bring Bailey, no offence.’ Clancy had never liked Ruby’s boyfriend, and only didn’t mind them dating on the premise that he was a better person than him.<br/>
Ruby rested her head on her palm. ‘Okay, sure.’<br/>
Clancy gave her a genuine smile, then scrunched his nose up.<br/>
‘Where’s your lunch?”<br/>
Ruby indicated towards her salad, ‘there’s lunch?”<br/>
Clancy looked offended, ‘that is not lunch.’<br/>
‘Shakespeare was sustaining me before you arrived.’<br/>
Ruby was envious of Clancy, who had maintained a childhood lankiness and a lightning speed metabolism for as long as she’d known him; now whenever they were at lunch together she felt her heart grow heavy at the apparent lack of care he had about what he ate.<br/>
Lost in thought, she was only vaguely aware of him leaving, and lifted her head just as he called<br/>
‘Mine at 5:30!’</p><p> </p><p>Now she was making her way toward his house after a swim. The late Autumn air was cold, but the sun was out intermittently and she was taking advantage of the wind to dry her hair as much as possible before arriving.<br/>
Ruby saw one of Beetles friends, and found herself praying she wouldn’t encounter him. Crossing the road to avoid contact, she instead met him face on as he was skated towards her, slowing down as he approached.<br/>
‘Where ya goin?’ he asked easily, embracing her.<br/>
‘Oh’ she trailed off, ‘Just going to Clancy’s.’<br/>
He nodded, giving a weak smile.<br/>
‘Can I persuade you to come with me instead?”<br/>
Ruby felt genuinely bad as she shook her head with a sympathetic smile, aware of how little they had seen each other the past 3 weeks- she couldn’t face smoking again, and that always seemed to be what he wanted to do when they were alone. She had told Bailey that she was going sober for a while, but she knew they should still meet. She just hadn’t felt up to it.<br/>
He looked almost sad. ‘Tomorrow?’ he tried.<br/>
‘Yeah’ she relented, kissing him and waving him away, biting her lip as he skated off, ‘tomorrow.’</p><p>Approaching Clancy’s, she could smell smoke and half expected his cooking to have taken a turn for the worst.<br/>
‘Hellooo’ he said, smiling and signalling her in, wearing an apron that made her shake her head. ‘Don’t even start’ he laughed, ‘my cooking BANGS Rube, honestly I think Barbecues are my calling in life.’<br/>
‘They are pretty good’ Clara confirmed, nodding and waving a hot dog from her camping chair.<br/>
Ruby greeted everyone and settled in to a free space, enjoying the warm of the sun on her face and the sunset that was elapsing over his garden patio.<br/>
She was handed a burger, a hot dog, and a beer in the space of a few minutes, and felt pressure rise as she realised the unhealthy food she would be expected to enjoy.<br/>
Abandoning the burger halfway through, and leaving the hot dog untouched, Ruby opened the beer and tried to fight off guilt.<br/>
‘Aww c’mon, it’s not that bad’ Clancy had moaned, waving a spatula at her.<br/>
Before she could open her mouth to protest, Del interrupted her.<br/>
‘It’s that stupid diet she’s on’<br/>
Ruby stiffened.<br/>
‘I don’t diet’ she responded, in an accusatory tone, taking another bite of her food somewhat defensively, ’that’s stupid.’ But she could feel Clancy look at her expectantly, then quickly turn his head back down to the grill.<br/>
‘Yeah, Ruby doesn’t diet.’ he said dismissively at Del, handing out another burger bun.<br/>
Del shrugged her shoulders as she resumed her conversation with Mouse. ‘Not my place.’<br/>
Ruby wanted to disappear. People had already moved on but she felt heat rise to her cheeks and was relieved to be wearing sunglasses. ‘Why does Del always have to open her mouth’ she cursed. ‘What does she know.’<br/>
The sky darkened and people layered up, borrowing Clancy’s oversized sweaters to battle the growing wind, and opening more beers in hope of alcohol warming their blood.<br/>
There was talk of going inside and watching a movie upstairs, and Ruby found herself one of the last ones of her group sitting outside, huddled up and finishing a cigarette.<br/>
Clancy had just finished packing everything up, and came up beside her quietly and slightly breathless. Neither of them said anything for a moment, both overlooking the view Clancy’s garden offered over Twinford, which had lit up as night approached.<br/>
Ruby didn’t look up at him from her seat, willing him not to mention anything about Del’s comment earlier, instead focusing her eyes on the stub between her fingers and taking longer than usual drags.<br/>
He pulled out a few neatly folded sheets of paper and passed them to her.<br/>
‘Your essay’<br/>
‘Thanks.’ she said, looking up at him and mustering a real smile. He had sort of lost his summer tan, but his eyes remained the blue transparency they always had, and his hair still had a blonde hint. The wind had blown it around over the course of the evening and it was now slightly tangled.<br/>
Clancy opened his mouth to say something, and Ruby looked back down, pretending to read over his work (which was undoubtedly much better than her own)<br/>
Before she heard him speak, someone opened the sliding doors onto the patio.<br/>
‘You coming?’ It was Clara who had asked. ‘They wanna watch nightmare on elm street but I said you’re a pussy.’ Ruby could hear her smile as she said this and she looked up at Clancy, who was looking mock-offended and ready to protest.<br/>
‘I’m not scared of horror movies!’<br/>
She heard Clara laugh before she disappeared, having signalled at them to come in.<br/>
Clancy lingered a moment. He cleared his throat.<br/>
‘Your thesis was good’ he started uncertainly, rubbing his neck. ‘You made it easy for me to write.’<br/>
Ruby doubted this. She had recently got a B in English Literature and her confidence in the subject had been knocked.<br/>
‘Thanks.’ she said again, aware he was obviously thinking something else.<br/>
Another moment elapsed before he spoke again, more confidently now.<br/>
‘Alright hurry up, it’s freezing I wanna go in.’<br/>
‘I should head back’ Ruby mused, still playing with the stub between her fingers. ‘It’s late.’<br/>
They both returned to look at the skyline again.<br/>
‘Okay’ he paused, exhaling. ‘See you soon?’<br/>
Ruby smiled up at him as to reply. He half smiled back and disappeared back into his house.<br/>
She chewed her nail nervously, feeling the chill of the evening settle in, still thinking about Del’s comment.<br/>
‘At least you’ve lost weight then’ a cold voice in her head said. ‘Better than no-one noticing.’<br/>
Ruby watched the end of the cigarette go out, shivered and left.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ruby stood in front of her full length mirror once more, scrutinising her body while changing outfits. She knew she had agreed yesterday to meet beetle, but now the time had come she found herself once again dreading his expected company, ‘not how you should be feeling towards your boyfriend, Rube’ she had despaired while frantically shaving 20 minutes prior.<br/>
Fresh out the shower, she now saw herself, semi naked, in full. She knew she had lost weight, hell, her friends and housekeeper knew she had, Ms Digby often found her confectionary untouched by the girl, and while tantalising her for being ungrateful, she felt something deeper occurring in Ruby’s mind that made her decline the cookies and baked goods, and now breakfasts and dinners, that her 13 year old self would have ravished.<br/>
Still, she stood displeased at her reflection. She had watched the spectrum scale decline from 119lbs, to the considerably lower 103 today. And Ruby could see differences, sure, she saw her jeans grow loose around the waist (easily fixed by belts), and bras become ill fitting (just don’t wear them), and she felt bones surface in areas that were previously hidden (about time), glancing faintly outlined hipbones or ribs as she changed out of her gym wear.<br/>
But she bit her lip now, and all the progress she knew she had made felt suddenly very small and insignificant, and the body she wanted to have (needed?) felt very far away and near impossible. It felt unfair, how could it still seem so distant, when would she be able to feel proud and happy, would she be able to.<br/>
She stood still, brows furrowed and t-shirt gripped tightly in both hands for what felt like a long time.<br/>
Then, the part of Ruby which enjoyed challenges, needed challenges, lived off determination, recollected: she averted her eyes from her mirror, hurriedly dressing. ‘Time’s running out Redfort’ she thought to herself, ‘you’re almost done with Anna, you’re bound to be tested soon after, fix up.’<br/>
This was the part of her that had gotten her to Spectrum in the first place, the part of her teenage psyche which seemed to contain all her will, all her strength, her stubbornness, her inability to give up, her perfectionism. It drove her parents mad, Ms Digby mad, Clancy mad, Hitch mad, no doubt LB mad, it drove her mad, she could feel her own words circling her mind like a mantra and felt hot and dazed.<br/>
She had just sat on the edge of her bed, now dressed and suddenly exhausted by the relentlessness of everything. She heard someone rap on the window and jumped.<br/>
She saw Beetle’s face grinning from outside her window as he mounted the side of their house. Opening the window and letting in the boy and the late October air, he flopped down next to her.<br/>
‘Hey’<br/>
‘Hey’<br/>
Ruby sometimes doubted that her and Bailey had ever had a real, substantial conversation. Sometimes she looked into his eyes and through him completely, trying to envision the thoughts he might have. Currently, he was talking, slightly animatedly, about something that someone had said, or done to him, or one of his friends earlier, and Ruby couldn’t hear him at all. She was remembering a conversation Clancy and her had had soon after Beetle first asked her out.<br/>
‘He’s an idiot’ he had said, indifferently but assuredly.<br/>
‘It’s not all about intellect y’know’<br/>
Clancy’s eyes had widened, then narrowed.<br/>
‘Easy coming from the smartest girl in the whole of this school -the whole of Twinford.’<br/>
She hadn’t been sure if this was a compliment or an insult, she knew Beetle wasn’t exactly an idiot, but she wasn’t dating him for intellectual conversations. She was dating him because he was nice, and hot, and easy. If she was dissatisfied now it would be her own fault- she knew what she was getting into when she agreed to go out with him, so Ruby smiled right on cue as his story ended, the right response to whatever he had said.<br/>
‘We need to talk about something’ he had said, turning his whole body towards her while they lay down, and giving an earnest look.<br/>
‘Mmmhmm?’<br/>
‘What are we doing for halloween? It’s next week, like, whose are we going to, and what are we going to be.’ he continued seriously.<br/>
Ruby wrinkled her nose, then looked at the sincerity in his eyes.<br/>
‘Well, I’m personally going as a devil,’ she paused, ‘do what you will with that.’ She wasn’t interested in being a couple’s costume. Not her style.<br/>
Beetle looked semi-excited.<br/>
‘Okay, that’s great, cos I was thinking, I wanna be Dorian Gray? Y’know, from the book?”<br/>
Ruby knew the book, and gave a fake smile of encouragement.<br/>
‘and you,’ he continued, ‘can be the devil?’<br/>
‘Just be a nice girlfriend for once’ she pleaded to herself.<br/>
‘You think you’re thaat handsome huh?’<br/>
Bailey laughed playfully<br/>
‘Or because I stole your soul?”<br/>
‘Shush, and say yes because that’s all the ideas I got.’<br/>
Ruby yielded.<br/>
‘Okay, so Wolf is throwing a party-‘ he started hopefully.<br/>
‘-Okay but Eliot is throwing a party’ she finished intently.<br/>
He didn’t hide his disappointment.<br/>
‘That’s the compromise’ she semi-joked, ‘If we do a couples costume, we are going to Eliot’s’.<br/>
He opened his mouth to protest, but she continued ‘I hardly know Wolf anyway.’<br/>
He shrugged, agreeing. Ruby felt slightly bad. She knew she wore the pants in the relationship, but sometimes she wondered if Bailey felt the same way about her as she did about him, maybe a slight disappointment, an anticlimax.<br/>
They watched TV aimlessly for an hour, sometimes making vague conversation, more often hooking up, but Ruby felt far away, making as little effort as possible in the weak hope that her boyfriend would be satisfied with kissing and let her alone.<br/>
She zoned back in when she felt his hands round her waist, slightly gripping, in a possessive manner he had had since the start, kind of as if he was afraid she would wriggle away, out of reach. She made a slight sound of discomfort, knowing where he was going.<br/>
He pulled away, slightly breathless.<br/>
‘You good?”<br/>
‘Yeah’ she sighed, frowning slightly, ‘Just, not that, not today.’<br/>
‘Yeah, okay’ he said despondently, half desperate and half confused.<br/>
‘It’s just..yeah, I’m on my period’ she concluded lamely, feeling guilty for the second time that hour. ‘Sorry.’<br/>
He bit his lip and made a hand gesture. ‘Yeah, um, could you?’ he indicated to his lower body.<br/>
Ruby glanced down, realising what he was hinting at. She looked back up at him, into his brown eyes, his really pretty eyes, wishing she didn’t have a boyfriend, wishing him far, far away.<br/>
‘Yeah,’ she forced a smile.<br/>
She lowered to her knees by the edge of her bed. ‘I’m going to break up with him.’ she thought to herself, over and over again, ‘I’m going to break up with him.’</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ngl... felt like a nonce writing a semi-sex scene but i kinda wanted to include it for plot reasons</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Mouse was quiet and pensive while Ruby explained the situation to her, it didn’t take much of an explanation, Ruby had called her last night asking to talk at lunch, alone, the next day, and had sat down and chewed her nail for a moment before bluntly saying; ‘I’m going to break up with Beetle?’<br/>She had asked it as a question because she didn’t trust her own judgement too much right now, and didn’t want to make the decision herself, and Mouse had good advice alongside a gentle temperament that made her easy to talk to, easier than Red or Del or Clancy. <br/>Ruby had gotten halfway through dialling Clancy’s number after Bailey had left before she realised how much she didn’t want him to know, and how little she wanted to explain to him her thoughts or feelings regarding her boyfriend, it hadn’t felt right, and Ruby felt bad that it didn’t feel right, she knew it should've felt right. <br/>‘He’s probably busy’ she had thought wearily to herself as she replaced the handset, ‘He’s probably busy with Clara.’ <br/>So she called Mouse instead.<br/>Mouse had looked a little surprised after she had said that, wanting her to continue, or elaborate.<br/>’Really?’<br/>Ruby continued to bite her nail, looking somewhere beyond her friend’s face and into the back of the canteen. ‘Yeah It’s been a kind of, sudden, decision.’<br/>‘You’re sure then?’<br/>‘Well, no, I wanted your advice.’<br/>Mouse nodded, flipping to the back of an exercise book, ‘let’s make a pros and cons list.’<br/>Ruby felt deflated, why was she bothering to ask around? why was she not strong willed enough to be sure of her choices, and make them?<br/>‘Okay’<br/>‘Let’s start with Pros?’ Mouse had said while dividing the paper with a line<br/>‘Hot’ Ruby had said instinctively, while Mouse gave an affirmative nod, writing it down.<br/>‘Nice?” she continued less certainly.<br/>‘Yeah, but maybe don’t just use adjectives Rube’ she paused, ‘what makes you, y’know, want to continue to date him?’<br/>Ruby chewed harder. ‘It’s nice to have a boyfriend?’ Mouse wrote it down, ‘is it though? she had questioned to herself.<br/>It became harder for Ruby to find reasons after that, but Mouse eased out more half-hearted reasons and wrote them in neat cursive while making the appropriate encouraging motions as Ruby went on. <br/>‘Cons?’<br/>Ruby paused to think her reasons out carefully, but they all seemed to blur together, leaving her only with the sense that she didn’t really like Beetle, without much validation as to why.<br/>‘He’s a stoner?’ she had offered finally. Mouse gave an assured nod. It wasn’t really that that even bothered Ruby though, she could tolerate, enjoy that normally.<br/>‘I’m not sure I want a boyfriend?’ Ruby had concluded uncertainly. <br/>‘That’s quite a big reason’<br/>‘Yeah, I know.’<br/>‘But why?’ Mouse had pushed.<br/>Ruby shrugged, ‘It’s not his fault, but sometimes I feel like he’s not that interested in me, like, beyond sex’ she paused, ‘we just aren’t that similar.’ Ruby felt more and more as if she was the problem, not Bailey.<br/>Mouse had smiled sympathetically and written it down, Ruby felt more in therapy than in the lunch hall.<br/>‘That sucks Rube, sorry’ <br/>Ruby found herself resenting herself for talking to anyone about this, pity had always made her squirm.<br/>‘but I guess I never really pegged you for a girlfriend kinda girl anyway y’know?’ Mouse had suggested hopefully.<br/>‘Yeah. Guess not.’ <br/>Ruby wanted to be alone with her thoughts for a while. The two girls looked at the lists between them. There were equal reasons on both sides.<br/>‘It’s 50/50 Rube, what’s it gonna be?’<br/>Ruby was silent a moment and Mouse took the opportunity to continue;<br/>‘Y’know, you gotta trust your instincts,’ Ruby’s instincts had never felt reliable, she had learnt that through Spectrum. She wondered if she had any at all, she never seemed to get the strong (or correct) hunches Clancy did, she searched Mouse’s face and secretly pleaded for her friend to make the decision for her, she wanted Mouse to reassure her, and then for it to be over. <br/>‘Or like, flip a coin or something.’<br/>‘Those are very different approaches’ Ruby had joked weakly.<br/>‘Well you either gotta trust yourself completely, or leave it up to-‘ Mouse waved her hand to the sky, ‘-something up there.’<br/>Ruby got out a coin.<br/>‘But y’know Rube, the fact you’ve had to question your whole relationship is a bad sign. I don’t think you would’ve felt like you needed my advice if you were happy together’ Mouse paused, ‘I feel like you’ve made your mind up already, like, a while ago.’<br/>She flipped the coin, it landed neatly heads up on the back of her hand. Dump him, the universe had chosen. <br/>‘What’re we flipping?’ Clancy had asked, semi-uninterested as he sat down heavily.<br/>Mouse didn’t need to meet Ruby’s eye to know that their conversation was confidential, the fact she had confided in Mouse, alone, was enough to make the girl understand that, for whatever reasons, Ruby didn’t want anyone else to know. <br/>‘I wasn’t sure whether to go get a drink or not.’ Mouse said, neatly closing the exercise book and sliding it under her tray. <br/>Clancy didn’t even respond as his eyes settled on the space on their table in front of Ruby.<br/>‘Where’s your lunch?’ he asked brightly, biting into his sandwich and not looking directly at her.<br/>‘Forgot my money’ Ruby had replied automatically, squeezing the coin between her fingers under the table. The added bonus of spending lunch alone with Mouse would be that no one would notice, or nag her about her lunch or lack thereof. She’d noticed the relentless questioning, or teases from Del, or the searching looks Clancy would give if he saw her plate untouched, or table empty. <br/>‘Oh I have money!’ Mouse had said happily, ‘you should’ve asked.’<br/>Ruby gave a tight smile. <br/>She had accepted the money Mouse forced onto her, but was relieved when she had made her way to the queue to be saved by the buzzer, indicating that it was time for her to make her way to Chemistry. Clancy caught up with her as she headed out towards the science labs. <br/>‘You around after school? New episode of Crazy Cops is out today’<br/>Ruby looked at her watch. ‘Only until 5:30’, she had to meet Anna at 6.<br/>Clancy smiled, ‘that’s loads of time, meet after school?’ he had said before departing, pausing and turning around to throw her an apple.<br/>‘It’ll help you focus through Mr Groff’s lesson’ he had laughed before leaving. <br/>Ruby smiled unwillingly, pocketing the fruit and hurrying towards class.</p><p>They were both seated on beanbags on Clancy’s floor, Crazy cops was blaring in the background but an old episode, they had already watched the new one eagerly, the moment they stepped foot into his room. Now they were talking aimlessly, sipping on green tea and only half watching the crime scene displayed on his small TV. <br/>‘So, you and Bailey’s 6 months comin’ up’ Clancy had asked suddenly.<br/>Ruby stopped for a moment, having completely forgotten. It would’ve been last Wednesday. They had both let it slide by, unnoticed.<br/>‘Oh, yeah’ she had replied flatly, re-fixing her gaze on the screen before them.<br/>‘You gonna do anything?’<br/>Ruby sighed. ‘We’re not into that sentimental stuff, you know me’ <br/>Clancy laughed, ‘alright Miss high and mighty’ he paused, considering his next words before turning his head to look at her straight on. ‘What would you have liked?’<br/>‘What?’ <br/>Clancy stirred his drink, ‘What would you have, theoretically, liked to do for an anniversary like that?”<br/>Ruby frowned, unsure. ‘I don’t know. Never thought about it.’<br/>Clancy rolled his eyes. ‘Well think about it now’<br/>‘I don’t like dates, so, I dunno, probably just..’ she trailed off, ‘going to the beach and getting drunk?” Clancy laughed at her ideas of romance<br/>That wasn’t what she would like to do for a half-year anniversary, but then again her and Bailey had never had a date, they weren’t into that kind of thing, they had agreed, which left Ruby in the dark about the rom-com style side of dating that most people liked about relationships.<br/>Ruby wasn’t a very romanic person, and she didn’t like being asked about romantic things, she wasn’t exactly sure why Clancy had taken an interest and was feeling drained from her talk with Mouse at lunch.<br/>Clancy’s eyes where still on hers, but he peeled them away to look back at the TV. ‘I wasn’t sure what to do for me and Clara’s coming up’ he said finally, ‘but I should’ve guessed you’re the worst possible person to ask’ he teased. Ruby laughed weakly, feeling her heart grow heavy. Clara and Clancy had started talking and flirting around the same time Ruby and Bailey had, they just didn’t get round to labelling it till much later, till summer. <br/>‘You planned anything special?” she asked him, leaning her head back on her beanbag to look at him sideways.<br/>Clancy mimicked her action, so their eyes met again, their bodies reclined. <br/>‘Not yet, I’m not really sure what she’d like’<br/>‘I’m sure you’ll think of something’ she smiled. Clancy was a good boyfriend. Ruby knew that Clara was lucky. Although they made a habit of never seeing each other being soppy or ‘gross’ around boyfriends or girlfriends, Ruby could envision him being sweet and gentle, that was his nature. <br/>Their faces were close, and their eyes had met, diverted from the flashing adverts that had come on.<br/>‘You think you’ll stay together for Uni?’<br/>‘No’ Ruby had said rapidly with such certainty that Clancy laughed.<br/>‘Will you stay together till the end of the year?’ Ruby could feel his gaze probing deeper as he asked. She exhaled deeply and studied her hands.<br/>‘Who knows Clance’<br/>He looked at her longer, scanning her face for evidence.<br/>‘Do you love him?’<br/>Ruby had to laugh. ‘Do you love Clara? Does Eliot love Ambrose? Does anyone our age really, really “love” their boyfriends or girlfriends?’ she had retorted, mockingly, but feeling slightly bad as she did so. She wouldn’t have been surprised if Clara and Clancy had said their ‘I love you’s’ already, it wasn’t actually improbable to love the person you dated, and she bit her lip as she faced back towards the telly. <br/>‘You should tell him’ Clancy had sighed, sitting back up and finishing his drink<br/>‘That I don’t love him? I’m sure he doesn’t expect me to.’<br/>‘No’ Clancy had drawled out, ‘that you’re planning to break up with him.’<br/>Ruby didn’t move her eyes from the actors they were watching on the screen, but it made her tense up. Clancy was still as psychic as he used to be when they were younger, and still as annoying about it when he chose to be. She could never really conceal anything from him, but she kind of wished he would drop it and stop getting her to answer questions if he already knew the answers.<br/>‘It’s not definite yet’ she had responded, curtly.<br/>‘You should tell him’ Clancy continued. Ruby felt heat rise to her cheeks. Was he enjoying their failing relationship? Had it become a competition between Her and Beetle, and him and Clara? Either way, Ruby had had enough of talking about a boy she wasn’t that interested in.<br/>‘I don’t need your dating advice, thanks’ she said somewhat coldly.<br/>‘I’m just talking to you Rubes, we haven’t talked about anything serious in ages’ he replied, semi accusingly, looking slightly hurt. <br/>‘Yeah well I’ve kinda had enough of talking’ she snapped back, feeling guilt and annoyance all at once. ‘I should get going anyway’<br/>She stood up quickly, and felt blood rush to her head, leaving a heavy pressure in her temples and disappearing vision. She obviously looked pale, or swayed a little too much because in a second Clancy was steadying her with an arm. <br/>‘You alright?’ <br/>‘Yeah, one sec’ Ruby had said with a pained expression, slowly sitting on the edge of his bed. <br/>‘What’s wrong?’<br/>‘Just a bit dizzy.’<br/>Clancy bit his lip. ‘Can I get you something to eat?’<br/>She shook her head. He looked at her uncertainly. <br/>‘Please? You didn’t have any lunch-‘<br/>‘-No thanks, I gotta get going’ Ruby said, recollecting herself and grabbing her bag off the floor.<br/>‘Rube-‘ he had said, grabbing her arm gently as she attempted to go, ‘seriously, you’re worrying me’<br/>‘Don’t waste your time’ she shot back, hating him in that second. <br/>‘Is it to do with Bailey? Did he-?’ Ruby cut him off with a glare and he dropped her arm, allowing her to free herself, slamming the door behind her as she ran down the stairs.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Anna hadn’t moved her eyes from Ruby’s hands throughout the whole hour. They were shaking, not that badly, but noticeably, noticeable when handling heavy machinery and more noticeable still when you will be tested on how well you handle the above-mentioned machinery in a matter of weeks, or more likely days. Ruby’s slightest tremors wouldn’t escape Anna’s glare: she was (presumably) trained to kill people, and train other people to kill people, doing such requires acute, sensitive observations of your opponent, or your trainee, and Ruby was therefore under constant surveillance in their hour long weekly sessions. <br/>‘Your hands are shaking’ she had accused, bluntly, at one point.<br/>‘Yeah, I’m a bit cold, sorry’ Ruby had replied, laughing nervously while trying to quiet her anxious mind. <br/>But after 45 minutes of trembling hands, it was clear it was not a heat issue, and Anna had long since folded her arms and furrowed her brows while watching Ruby grow increasingly flustered, and increasingly frustrated. Her fingers slipped once more, causing the pistol to fall from her grip and clattered onto the cold concrete, forcing Ruby to swear loudly. <br/>At this point, Anna had started massaging her temples. Ruby felt her throat grow tight and sensed a lump forming.<br/>‘Sorry’ she said in a fragile voice, willing herself not to cry, ‘that would be the final straw’ her mind yelled at her, ‘you’d never hear the end of it if you starting blubbering.’<br/>Ruby picked up the pistol from the floor, thoroughly relieved the safety hadn’t been turned off, and Anna gently removed it from her hands, slowly, and making eye contact while saying;<br/>‘Okay Redfort, go home early.’<br/>Ruby knew her trainer (sort of), and she knew that Anna wasn’t trying to be nice - no doubt she didn’t want any unsolicited damage done, so was bidding the liability farewell for the week, but Ruby felt the weight of failure that Anna’s instruction held. They had finished all the theory for the training a few weeks ago, and Ruby, despite not being told, had the feeling that today’s hour was the last one before some sort of examination took place. She felt panic rise in her. <br/>‘No, no I’m good, I promise’<br/>Anna looked at her discouragingly. ‘Go home, Ruby’ she repeated in a slightly softer tone, ‘have some rest, you could use it.’<br/>Ruby didn’t want to argue, or push, and she felt exhaustion crash over her in a wave, forming a pressure behind her eyes and a sinking feeling in her stomach. She knew Anna was right. <br/>‘But go to LB’s office first’ her companion had said, now packing up equipment, ‘she wants to see you.’</p><p>Something about LB’s office, and LB’s presence, could always, make anyone, feel small, feel accountable, and slightly in the wrong. And Ruby knew before entering that this was not going to be a congratulatory meeting. She was not about to be praised, and bade good luck, she was most likely going to leave with a sense of panic and insignificance. <br/>She had said this to Hitch once, a while ago, and he had laughed, eyes kept on the road. <br/>‘LB doesn’t act the way she does because she likes it, kid. Half the time she probably feels as bad about it as you do. But she’s the boss, and you don’t get to be a boss unless you cut some slack, and hurt some feelings.’<br/>Ruby knew that her feelings were probably about to get hurt, so she entered the room with her chin tilted slightly up, semi-prepared.<br/>‘So,’ LB had said almost immediately as Ruby entered, ‘big day soon’<br/>Ruby nodded although LB had her gaze lowered to the papers on her desk, unable to see it.<br/>‘Today was your last session with Anna,’ <br/>Ruby nodded again.<br/>LB’s eyes were locked on Ruby’s now, ‘Are you ready?”<br/>Ruby nodded for the third time, despite it being a complete lie. She couldn’t explain why today of all days her nerves were scrambled and non-linear, she had worked so hard, as always, for these tasks and sessions, knowing it would amount to something; now it was amounting to something, and soon, and she felt as inexperienced and unprepared as she had on the first day, <br/>LB lowered the rim of her glasses, ‘Anna doesn’t think you are-’<br/>Ruby wasn’t surprised, not after today’s embarrassment. <br/>LB paused to look Ruby up and down, ‘-and neither do I.’<br/>Ruby held her head a little higher, ignoring the prick of tears that had involuntarily offered themselves up to the back of her eyes. <br/>Her boss had resumed looking at the files on her desk, and Ruby half expected this to be the end of the meeting- no conclusion, just the affirmation that she had failed. <br/>‘Well, prepare yourself’ LB had followed up, in a slightly acrid tone, ‘we will let you know of the date, location and time in the next 24 hours.’<br/>Ruby nodded enthusiastically, her face grave. The conversation terminated. </p><p>After their especially inspiring talk, Ruby made a beeline for the gym, feeling such a mix of panic and frustration that she almost felt faint. She was deeply conflicted about a number of things: One, she was mad at Clancy for picking such a great moment to nosey his way into her private life, Two, she had just massively fucked up her practise with Anna, and three, her boss didn’t think she was prepared. Ruby could handle two, she knew she was prepared, just was having a bad day that was reflected in her performance. One, she would ignore and come back to, Three however, was slightly more concerning. Ruby had proved LB wrong many-a-time, but the uncertainty her boss had expressed seemed to second Ruby’s own anxiety. In the past week her movements had felt clunky, and cumbersome, not agile and fluid as expected of spies training for field work. Her brain felt foggy and she felt tired, and if LB thought she wasn’t prepared, then she had a lot more work to do before taking the test. <br/>Ruby was a girl of logic, and clarity, so she couldn’t fathom how the work she was putting in wasn’t equating clear success. ‘How is it all coming to nothing’ she spat at herself when looking at her reflection in the elevator down to floor -1, ‘what are you doing wrong?’<br/>Ruby ran for what felt like eternity on the treadmill, before peeling off her clothes and submerging herself into the cool water of the pool after the heat and sweat became unbearable. She was grateful no-one else was here, learning to resent how exposed her body felt in this room, she knew Froghorn would laugh at her if he saw her. <br/>‘How little progress she had made’ Ruby imagined him smiling to himself, ‘she looks exactly the same as she did in August, how pathetic.’<br/>As if he had just said the very words to her, she swam, quickly and powerfully across the length of the pool, trying to focus solely on the cold water and its feeling against her hot skin. <br/>She was swimming rapidly, trying to prove something to herself, to the Froghorn she imaged was looking over her, judging her, to her boss who was currently in her office, unaware of Ruby’s whereabouts. She gathered stamina and strength, apparently a little too much as she heard Hitch’s voice yell ‘Ruby!’ and felt her head slam into the tiles on the far end. <br/>Momentarily disoriented, she lost direction and felt fear envelop her, pain searing through her body as an impact of her injury. It must have only been seconds before she felt hands pull her out the water. Hitch steadied her, seated, by the edge of the pool while her head spun. <br/>‘Kid, you alright?’<br/>Ruby nodded, but the motion made her feel sick so she started shaking her head.<br/>‘Lets get you home, you must be exhausted, I was meant to pick you up at 7:15, it’s almost 9, you been down here all this time?’<br/>Ruby gave him the thumbs up while rubbing her head. <br/>Hitch looked at her worriedly, ‘you feel sick?”<br/>Ruby was tempted to say yes, but thought of the consequences that could ensue if Hitch deemed her to be badly hurt. No gym, or practising for one. She shook her head.<br/>‘Okay, well, you go get changed, I’ll be waiting outside?’ he offered, looking at her intently and half expecting her to throw up or pass out. <br/>Ruby met him after changing as quickly as her headache and fatigue would allow her, and slumped, drowsily down into the passenger seat. <br/>He offered her a jelly donut, an old tradition, and she grasped the bag tightly in her hands without allowing herself to eat it, instead clenching her eyes closed and resting her head against the window.<br/>‘Not hungry kid? You sure you’re not concussed?’<br/>‘Mhmm’<br/>‘LB speak to you?’<br/>‘Mhmm’<br/>‘How’d it go?”<br/>‘Bad’ Ruby mumbled <br/>‘How so?’ Hitch glanced at her sideways.<br/>‘She thinksim not prepared’ Ruby slurred, ‘but I’ve been workinhard.’<br/>‘I know kid’ Hitch looked a little worried. <br/>They rode the rest of the ride in silence, and before entering the Redfort home Ruby asked Hitch to tell her parents she had a bad headache and wouldn’t be joining them for dinner- she couldn’t face the conversation, the food. She trudged up the stairs heavily and collapsed onto her bed after swallowing 3 painkillers, vaguely hearing Hitch apologetically explain to her worried parents that there had been a last minute netball match, and that Ruby had earned a mild concussion. Sleep overcame her suddenly and she relaxed into it, fully clothed on top of her covers. </p><p>Tomorrow, Ruby was handed a piece of toast with: </p><p>NOV 12<br/>16:00</p><p>Engraved, the date and time of her test. No sooner had Ruby glimpsed the information had she swiftly grabbed the bread and left, signalling Hitch goodbye as she cycled to the running track. <br/>Ruby binned the toast once she arrived, and inhaled deeply before initiating her exercise. <br/>‘Two weeks’ she repeated to herself over and over again as she gained momentum cycling on the track. She felt energised from her 9 hours sleep, and light and detached from her lack of breakfast this morning, or her lack of dinner or lunch yesterday. ‘Two more weeks’ she whispered to herself as she pushed herself harder, ‘after then, it’ll all be over.’</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ruby toyed and tugged with the dress uncomfortably standing in front of Mouses’ mirror. The girls had momentarily gathered round to observe her opinion on Mouses’ charitable lend, the piercing red mini dress that perfectly matched Ruby’s devil horns. Ruby had found the only red dress she owned to be deeply unflattering, and so while everyone prepared for the night ahead at Mouses’s house for pre-drinks, their host hurriedly helped Ruby with the last minute changes to her outfit. <br/>‘You look great!’ Red said enthusiastically.<br/>And she did, everyone agreed, Mouse said the dress looked better on Ruby than her, it fit like a glove. <br/>But something about it gave Ruby the exact same feeling as wearing a swimsuit at Spectrum-  a little too exposing. It wasn’t outrageous, but after Ruby’s normal t-shirt and jeans attire, her body felt almost completely on display, she couldn’t hide it. While, on Halloween, she had expected to be wearing a tight and short dress like all her friends, now she had slipped into the slinky, size 00 material, she felt like recoiling from her reflection.<br/>‘You have such a nice body Rube!’ Mouse had continued encouragingly, ‘it’s a crime to not show it off,’ she said, playfully squeezing her arm. <br/>Ruby made a vague sound of approval, turning away from the mirror to fetch her drink and start her makeup, willing the subject to change, not enjoying the attention of her friends, or the figure-hugging attire that made her feel weirdly vulnerable. <br/>Ruby felt heat flush her face as she glimpsed Del mouth something to Red, looking up discretely but not deciphering what they said. She swiftly looked back to the mirror where she perfected eyeliner, ignoring whatever comment had been made and deciding to focus solely on getting drunk and forgetting what she looked like. The words of LB echoed round her head, alongside the deadline of the test, and she kept drifting back to her reflection in the mirror- she still felt a long way off the success she was craving, and was sure her physique would be the ticket into the goal she was reaching for. Whatever goal that was, she could faintly grasp it, but she felt sure her current weight was the only thing preventing her ascension. <br/>They’re probably laughing at you a part of her mind chided, they probably feel the same way about that dress as you do. Her hand slightly shook as she applied lipstick.<br/>‘What time should we head off to Eliot’s?’ Red suggested.<br/>‘Mmm, well it’s 8 now, so 9?’ Del said after having swallowed some of Mouse’s straight gin, pulling a face. <br/>‘Is Clancy helping Eliot set up?’ Red asked again, mainly to Ruby.<br/>Ruby shrugged, she had avoided Clancy for the remainder of the week, making a point to not see him at lunch, allowing the group to see that the two friends were never at the same place at the same time- but it wasn’t like Ruby was around that much now anyway. <br/>But Clancy and Ruby didn’t fall out, everyone knew that, and Ruby wasn’t sure why they had- she knew she was the cause of it, that if she picked up the phone and dialled his number they would make up from whatever spat they were in within seconds, but something had stopped her. She knew he had left a voicemail yesterday but didn’t let herself listen to it, she didn’t want him to bring anything up, or ask any questions, she felt shy and nervous around him, as if he was going to probe into her mind and try and make her feel better. <br/>‘What time is Beetle coming?’ Mouse piped up.<br/>Ruby shrugged again, ‘I think a little later, maybe 9:30? He’s getting ready at his.’<br/>Once everyone was ready and the drinking games had begun (mainly involving everyone periodically taking shots), Ruby felt a good way from sober. <br/>She stood, swaying slightly and Mouse steadied her, laughing uncertainly.<br/>‘You good Rube? Go easy tonight.’<br/>‘Yeah, throwing up is strictly prohibited tonight’ Red confirmed.<br/>‘Have you eaten?’ Mouse asked worriedly, ‘Do you want me to make you something before we leave?’<br/>Ruby shook her head but Del rolled her eyes.<br/>‘Get the girl some food, I’m not being the designated nurse if anyone gets too drunk.’<br/>So Ruby was seated, and fed one of Mouses’s signature toasties, (that she hadn’t had in about 7 months, and had really missed) while trying to take the smallest bites possible, disposing half when Mouse wasn’t looking. <br/>Ruby resented that food had become such a burden, an impending guilt that everyone seemed to be forcing down her throat, when would she feel able to relax back into old habits? Ruby chewed her nails and downed her drink purposefully. It was almost 9.<br/>By the time they had arrived at Eliot’s, the party already seemed well on its way, and the house seemed to be heaving with people and music. Eliot greeted them merrily and within seconds the group of friends had been submerged into the crowds, greeting people and laughing at costumes. Ruby found a quiet corner in the garden to call Beetle, she wanted him here with her now, just for moral support, so she could lean on someone’s shoulder instead of mingling with people. <br/>He had said he would meet Ruby inside as soon as she got there, but it was now 9:30 and he showed no sign of contact. <br/>He picked up on the 5th ring, sounding a little tipsy and out of breath. <br/>‘Hey babe, sorry I meant to tell you I’m running late, maybe like an hour away?’<br/>‘Why so long?’ Ruby asked irritably.<br/>‘My ‘rents were being annoying, you know how it is, and plus India’s costume fucked up so that added on like..20 minutes’ he apologised. <br/>Ruby mumbled ‘see you later’ and hung up. It doesn’t even feel like your dating she accused herself, who can blame him.<br/>Ruby located the alcohol, entertaining conversations with people she had little interest in, and talking about subjects she didn’t care about, before Clara warmly greeted her. <br/>‘Clancy’s looking up and down for you’ she smiled before adding, ‘love your dress.’<br/>Ruby smiled, she felt bad that she had never made much of an effort with Clara, a part of herself never let her like her, she told herself she was protective over Clancy - partly not wanting to allow his first girlfriend to get too comfortable in case she ever hurt him. Partly because seeing them together made Ruby feel weird- excluded, somehow pained through their relationship. <br/>‘Yours too’ she offered, mustering a smile, Clara was dressed as an angel, and Ruby felt the symbolism run deep.<br/>Ruby didn’t want to speak to Clancy just yet, so she excused herself to locate a bathroom. After pounding the door of the upstairs one heavily, Red ushered her in to where she and Del were sitting. <br/>‘You don’t seem drunk enough’ Red said, concerned, while looking a little too drunk herself.<br/>‘I wanna break up with Bailey’ Ruby said firmly<br/>Red handed her a half drunk bottle of wine ‘Then you will be needing a lot more of this.’<br/>Ruby drank gratefully<br/>‘What’d he do?’ Del asked, leaning her head against the shower. <br/>Ruby considered this, all of what annoyed her about him seemed petty and futile, and she was determined not to look like a pyscho jealous girlfriend. <br/>‘Just no chemistry’ she bluntly concluded, half truthfully.<br/>The girls nodded their heads, sympathising with the cause. <br/>‘His hair’s stupid anyway’ Del half slurred in between drags of a joint that they definitely weren’t allowed to be smoking upstairs. <br/>‘What’s up with you and-‘ Red started, before the group were interrupted by loud knocking.<br/>‘Del you know Eliot will kill you if he knows you’re smoking up here’ Clancy demanded from outside. <br/>Red laughed and opened the door, causing Ruby to get up to leave. <br/>‘Rube’ he went to touch her arm as she passed and she looked at him indifferently. He seemed to want to smile, but sensed her cold demeanour and didn’t let himself. <br/>‘Beetle’s looking for you.’ he stated. <br/>Ruby sighed and left, not bothering to hear Del’s retort as she exited the small, smokey room colliding with him on the stairs.<br/>‘Been looking for you’ he smirked, pulling her close. <br/>She wrenched herself from his grip, ‘I need a smoke’<br/>In the crisp and bitter air she lit a cigarette impatiently and cast her eyes into the party. <br/>Bailey sensed her unease, so pulled her close again, this time so his arms were round her and they were swaying gently to the beat of the song that was blasting, slightly muffled from within. <br/>‘What’s up?’<br/>‘Nothing’<br/>Bailey laughed. ‘Sorry I’m late, don’t hate me’<br/>‘You’re costume is pretty shit’<br/>Bailey laughed again, ‘can’t say the same about you’ he smiled and Ruby wanted to push him away. <br/>‘What’s been the matter lately? You’re so tetchy’ he said, almost whining. <br/>‘I’ve just been feeling pretty shit’ Ruby snapped sulkily, ’not that you care.’<br/>‘Not that I don’t care? I would if you ever fucking spoke to me’ he said, tone turning sour, no longer moving to the music but rooted to the ground.<br/>Ruby felt cold anger burn though her, he was right, but she hated him, she hated how he looked at her and she hated his fingers round her waist. <br/>‘I don’t speak to you for a fucking reason Bailey’<br/>‘What reason! What have I done?’<br/>Ruby couldn’t answer that, and instead smoked pensively for a moment. <br/>‘Just tell me what’s been going on, I feel so in the dark’ he said, softening. Ruby didn’t look at him, keeping her gaze fixed on the crowd just beyond his eyes. <br/>‘Ruby?’ he teased, hands back round her. She didn’t engage but didn’t pull away, allowing their bodies to grow closer once again, ‘What’sa matter?’ he tried, holding her close, as if he felt she would break. ‘You’re wasting away.’<br/>She hated the feeling of his warm hands round her, they may as well have been round her neck, she felt she couldn’t breathe. ‘Just fuck off’ she broke out impulsively, seeing him tense up and step back, feeling immeasurable guilt mixed with hatred. ‘We’re over’ she said, almost inaudibly, feeling as if her voice would fail her. She pushed past him, not looking back, she didn’t need to to know that she’d just made everything worse, ending a 6 month relationship in the worst way possible without even an explanation. It’s not really his fault though, is it? her brain spat at her as she made her way to the kitchen, biting back tears. </p><p>Del and Red had cornered Clancy in the toilet after Ruby left.<br/>‘What was that all about?’ Del said moodily, stubbing out the blunt. <br/>‘You and her fight?’ Red asked intently.<br/>‘Hardly’ he defended, leaning back up against the door, ‘she just won’t speak to me, she’s been so distant lately’<br/>‘Probably boyfriend trouble’ Del concluded decisively. Clancy wasn’t entirely convinced, neither seemed Red. <br/>‘I dunno, she looks really tired’ Red puzzled, ‘plus she’s like, hardly eating’<br/>‘Yeah, no offence but since when is she the same size as Mouse? Mouse is tiny.’ Del emphasised<br/>Clancy’s heart sank and he felt his throat go dry before the girl’s attention was back towards him.<br/>‘Did she talk to you about anything?’<br/>Clancy shook his head. ‘’I’ll go find her.’<br/>‘I wouldn’t if I were you’ Del said, looking at Red, ‘she’s probably in the middle of a heated break-up argument as we speak, and I wouldn’t wanna get in between that’<br/>‘God’ Clancy groaned, ‘she’s doing that tonight?’<br/>‘Yeah bad timing’ Red said dozily, eyes half closed ‘didn’t they do couples costumes? Cos that’s just a bit awkward for the rest of the evening.’<br/>Clancy felt restless and wanted to see Ruby, to make sure she was okay, so grabbing the rest of Red’s wine (to her annoyance) he left the bathroom hastily. He saw a flash of red heading away from the garden and followed it.</p><p>The two of them found themselves in Eliot’s open plan kitchen area, alongside a very drunk guy with an eye patch, probably a half-hearted pirate, who seemed to be half passed out. Clancy situated himself beside Ruby, leaning against the counter, watching her gather an assortment of different size shot glasses. <br/>‘Are you okay?’ <br/>Ruby didn’t answer, and shakily poured dark liquid out to neck it hastily.<br/>‘I’m guessing you just broke up?’ <br/>She repeated the previous action, but shook a little too much and spilt the shot into the sink and cursed under her breath.<br/>‘Rube’ Clancy said, folding his arms. <br/>She kept her head down and her eyes averted, successfully pouring the 2 remaining shots, spilling only a little onto the countertop.<br/>‘Will you just fucking talk to me?’<br/>Taking them in record speed and wiping her mouth, she looked up at him angrily. <br/>‘Obviously we just broke up’ she exclaimed, ’stop being thick.’<br/>She really, really hated herself at that moment.<br/>Clancy ignored her comment. ‘Are you okay?’ he asked again, genuinely concerned. He saw how watery her eyes were, and how miserable she looked. <br/>‘Yeah I’m great’ she mocked, looking down and seeming smaller than she was, playing with the devil horns in her hand. ‘I’m just a bad fucking person.’<br/>‘No you’re not.’<br/>‘Yes I am, Clancy’ she said angrily again, sounding very close to tears.<br/>He pulled her closer, wrapping his arms around her. ‘No you’re not’ he half-whispered, feeling the bones in her back and how fragile she was.<br/>Ruby allowed herself to collapse into him, expensing all her energy on not crying and becoming weak under his hold. His arms round her felt so different from Bailey’s, and it made her want to cry more, so she squeezed her eyes shut. <br/>They stayed like that for a good 10 seconds, slightly swaying to the music before Ruby pulled away gently. Their bodies were so close, almost completely touching, their eyes locked. They stood like that for a moment, arms still round each other, mouth’s ever so slightly ajar. Ruby felt it all happen at once, she leant up slightly and their lips met, crashing together - in the days to come she would disbelieve it, but she swore she felt him hold her tighter and kiss deeper. It felt like everything all at once, and she felt, for a moment, suspended in thin air, with no music or people around. Their kiss felt like a deep breath out, a relief, it felt like home. <br/>But as quickly as it had happened, it was over. Ruby couldn’t tell who pulled away first - in the days to come she would tell herself it was Clancy - but they stood, stiffly apart, staring at each other. <br/>Ruby covered her mouth in shock and shame, and before Clancy could speak, he watched his best friend cower away from him and run through the crowds, disappearing out of sight. <br/>He wiped the traces of red from his lips and held his spinning head in his hands, staring at the train wreck of shot glasses and alcohol among the abandoned devil horns that lay to his right. <br/>Ruby raced away from the house and into the dark air, not stopping, and hardly breathing, till she slammed the front door of her house closed behind her.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ruby tapped her pen anxiously against the blank paper sitting in front of her, her mind equally as empty and tired, the rhythmic sound of her pen against wood no doubt driving everyone else in the library stir-crazy. She could think of no good way of writing this English essay, nothing even slightly creative came to mind. It had been 10 days since she had kissed Clancy, and she had counted every day since with some feverish guilt, thinking every new one that came would bring some sort of inevitable disaster, a crash. Maybe someone had seen, maybe they would broadcast round school that Ruby Redfort Was A Home-wrecker, maybe all her friends already knew, and had simultaneously and silently banished her from the cult of friendship to leave her completely in the dark. She didn’t let herself be seen to them, she was too afraid of what could happen, or what could be said, Ruby had unplugged all her phones at home, made herself as invisible as possible. She hadn’t glimpsed Clancy at all, partly because she had taken the best part of the last week off school (to no-one’s knowledge, her Sabina impression was still 10/10 so the attendance office never suspected a thing), partly because the lunches that were spent in school were spent huddled in the Library where she currently sat, hunched over the mounting assignments and unimpressive test results. Her brain felt foggy and disconnected, and it showed in every aspect of Ruby. Her homework and tests were, for the first time in her 17 year old life, average, last week she had got a B- on a maths paper, today a C+ on Physics, and she took this information with a numb indifference that only comes from complete disillusionment with teenage life. She couldn’t force herself to care, she couldn’t even force herself to write a bad-ish essay. She couldn’t make herself eat, this time out of a different fear, a sort of cold dread that lay at the bottom of her stomach and made all food turn to nothing in her mouth. Part of herself was relieved, for once skipping meals didn’t require active effort, another part of her felt terrified at the emptiness she was running on, the impending crash to come. <br/>It was another assignment on King Lear, and Ruby couldn’t even remember if she had finished the play in class, she didn’t feel as if she had, she felt as if she’d hardly been present in her life at all these past few weeks. She may as well have been asleep, in some relentless fever dream. But the blank page kept bringing her mind back to her best friend, who would no doubt have previously have been more than happy to help out. She bit her lip to try and stop herself from thinking about him, it made her feel too bad. <br/>A bitter November draft had infiltrated the room she was huddled in, and made her shiver and sink a little deeper into her oversized jumper. Ruby momentarily rested her head on her palm, allowing her heavy lids to droop closed, to be awoken shortly by the gentle arrival of someone who slid into a seat at the table she was at, and quietly whispered<br/>‘Ruby?’<br/>She fluttered her lashes open, she wasn’t surprised Clancy had sought her out, it would only be a matter of days till he forced her to talk about what happened, she hated herself for not being the one to do it, she hated herself for a lot of reasons. <br/>‘Yeah, hi, sorry’ she started suddenly, now wide awake. <br/>Clancy looked a little on edge to be talking to her, as if he were anticipating something bad to come- it made Ruby feel more anxious. <br/>‘Why have you avoided me for so long?’ he said in a low tone, trying to keep his voice level and quiet within the study space. looking down at the table and not directly at her.<br/>‘I’ve been avoiding everyone’ she mumbled, ‘it’s not personal.’<br/>‘We need to talk about what happened’ he started again.<br/>‘I know.’ She bit her lip, ‘I’m sorry I didn’t come to you sooner.’<br/>‘Clara ended it.’ he broke out, as if releasing something that had been haunting him. <br/>Ruby’s mouth formed an O shape as she allowed herself to sit up a little straighter. <br/>‘Fuck, I’m so sorry.’ She immediately assumed it was because of what had happened on Halloween, and felt her throat go tight and her heart rate increase. <br/>She couldn’t read his expression, but she watched him study his hands as he continued, semi-whispering, ‘Not because of what happened, she doesn’t know’ he added guiltily. <br/>‘Why then?’ Ruby found it hard to believe that a relationship like theirs had ended so suddenly.<br/>‘Her granddad died, she needs time away from everyone, including me I guess.’<br/>They looked at each other for a moment, she noticed how clear his eyes were, she had forgotten the transparency they had, the unclouded blue-grey glass they seemed to be made from. <br/>‘I don’t know what to say’ she concluded uncertainly, avoiding his gaze.<br/>He shifted, ‘neither do I.’ <br/>The two were quiet for a moment. <br/>‘I just wanted to tell you because,’ he paused and lowered his voice, ‘I know you feel really bad about what happened and I can imagine you’ve been beating yourself up about it.’<br/>He paused to look her in the eyes again, ‘and I feel as bad about it as you do, it was bad of me-‘<br/>‘-bad of us’ Ruby emphasised. <br/>‘-But’ he seemed to shift forward slightly, ‘I wanted to tell you that,’ he was looking down again, ‘I meant it, I mean I meant to kiss you.’<br/>They were silent again, neither looking at each other before he continued.<br/>‘i just want you to know that we, we played equal parts in it’ he fumbled for the right words, ‘I meant to then, I wanted to then, and it was bad of me but I wanted to do it’ he said with sincerity, ‘part of me is glad I did.’<br/>Ruby folded her hands in front of her, perplexed. <br/>‘But, did you mean to?’ he finished, looking back to her again, searchingly. <br/>Ruby felt herself grow hot again. She found herself forming the words before she could stop herself.<br/>‘Yes.’<br/>Clancy looked almost like he wanted to smile, but suppressed it and collected himself. <br/>‘Wanna miss period 4?’ he asked gently. Ruby nodded her head and they left the Library.<br/>They had headed straight back to Ruby’s, and mounting the side of her house to slip into her room, they relaxed onto Ruby’s bed, lying next to each other, slightly breathless. <br/>‘What does this-’ Ruby suggested after a few moments quiet, ‘-what does this mean?’<br/>Clancy stared at her ceiling. He seemed to be forming words with care. <br/>‘What would you like it to mean?’<br/>Ruby looked away and back up to the ceiling. <br/>‘I don’t know’ she said, slightly sadly. ‘I feel bad.’<br/>Clancy rolled on his side to face her, ‘I know’<br/>‘I think I’m a bad person’<br/>‘I know’ he repeated, more softly.<br/>Ruby had the urge to cry again. She felt so exhausted an un-like herself she felt like she was hardly having this conversation. <br/>‘I was an asshole when I broke up with Bailey.’<br/>Clancy laughed. ‘Don’t worry about him,’ he saw her sad expression and added, more gently, ‘he never treated you that well anyway.’<br/>‘I know’ she paused, ‘are you sad about Clara?’<br/>Clancy shrugged, looking away. ‘Sometimes I felt there wasn’t much chemistry’ he said quietly.<br/>Ruby nodded, neither looking at each other. She wanted to hold his hand, or touch him, anything to feel close to him, she felt miles away from him, as if they were 2 old friends having a conversation with so much to catch up on. The greyness outside and the bare trees made her feel as if time was slipping through her hands, out of her control.  <br/>‘What happened,’ he started, re-meeting her gaze, ‘doesn’t have to mean anything y’know.’<br/>‘I know’ she said in a whisper. <br/>‘But,’ he continued, ‘it can, if you want it to.’<br/>‘I know’ she repeated, ‘I want it to’ her voice barely audible.<br/>As moments elapsed of them looking at each other, Ruby cleared her throat and wrenched her eyes away.<br/>She bit her lip, her voice wavering ever so slightly, ‘can we just take it slow? Whatever this is, I-‘ she cut herself off, ‘-my head’s a bit of a mess right now.’<br/>Clancy nodded reassuringly. ‘Whatever you want.’ But he shifted slightly so he was leaning up a little, seeming to prepare himself for a slightly harder conversation.<br/>‘Um, there is kind of something else.’ <br/>Ruby nodded again, eyes resting on the floor. Clancy played with his fingers, taking her cue to continue.<br/>‘Are you like, not eating?’<br/>It felt like a blow, and on cue she felt a wave of nausea wash over her. Panic flooded her system as if alarm bells were ringing, screaming at her. Of course she wasn’t, she hadn’t been for months. Food had become an enemy, a threat. But this was her best friend asking her, he had no agenda, she didn’t need to lie to him, she couldn’t lie to him, it was pointless. She felt sure her voice would fail her, and didn’t dare look at him. She knew what people would be saying, she could imagine their needless worrying, she had felt this conversation coming a thousand times before.<br/>‘I’m just working really hard for the Spectrum deadline.’<br/>He nodded, studying her face intently for any further clues. He hated the words he was about to say. ‘Do you have an eating disorder?’<br/>Ruby laughed slightly, but sort of hollowly, eyes still glued to the floor. ‘Of course not’ she said softly, ‘that’d be crazy.’<br/>They were interrupted by her housekeeper knocking, then immediately entering with 2 glasses of juice. The two of them thanked her, fearfully awaiting her departure. <br/>‘So like,’ Clancy started, a hint of desperation in his voice, ‘after the deadline it’ll all be over?’ He seemed to be pleading her, begging her. <br/>Ruby still didn’t meet his eyes. The conversation was strained and painful on both sides, ‘Of course’ she found herself saying, unconvincingly. She could feel that Clancy had burning questions, that he didn’t believe her, neither of them did. Ruby felt unsure of the situation she had gotten herself into. It felt weirdly out of her hands, but then again she felt so little like herself. <br/>They drank the juice silently, neither looking at each other, crazy cops blaring in the background, both parties feeling conflicted. <br/>Ruby felt like screaming, she felt like breaking down and explaining everything. She wanted to release the burden of weight loss and starvation techniques that had become so all-consuming. She wanted to explain how almost everyday she swam 100 laps in the Spectrum pool till she went numb, and how she sometimes turned the mirrors in her room around because her reflection was too much to bear. She wanted to say that if she didn’t exercise, she didn’t eat, and that she felt weak, and tired, and cold, all the time. She wanted to show him that she had so many of the symptoms of malnourishment, but that she felt she simply couldn’t have them, that her brain and her body didn’t coincide, or correlate, that the scale and the mirror didn’t match up, that the goal she had been reaching for for so long felt suddenly so pointless, but so important to her. That if she didn’t lose enough weight by the Spectrum deadline she would somehow have already failed. That the test she had been preparing for seemed so blown out of proportion in her mind, that she felt trapped and doomed but couldn’t change anything. That everything suddenly seemed very difficult, and that she felt very small. <br/>Ruby closed her eyes and wished that Clancy could read her thoughts, hoping he somehow could. Words had become too painful to utter, so as they lay there in silence, watching, or smiling at the mini TV, she liked to believe that Clancy already knew everything she had been hiding, that he didn’t care, that he would help and love her unconditionally. <br/>But as he rubbed his thumb over hers in small circles, a soothing, homely action that seemed almost subconscious to both of them, eyes still fixed to the screen in front of them, she allowed herself to imagine that he already did. That he always would.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hitch was just as aware as Ruby was of the upcoming examination. And he felt that she was nervous, in an uncharacteristically paranoid fashion. In spectrum, there would always be an upcoming deadline, a test, a job that needed to be carried out to the best of your ability, and Ruby had done loads in her 4 short years with them: you always had to be on your toes, waiting, anticipating the next task, doing it to the best of your ability. Hitch wasn’t so sure what it was about this specific test that made Ruby so on edge. An agent always had to prove their worth to Spectrum, continuously - you didn’t relax once you were in, but Hitch had known Ruby, and had known her to excel pretty much every challenge thrown to her, so he didn’t understand why she exhibited an odd fixation on the field work training and it’s testing process. He knew it would be highly unlikely she would fail, but he watched her grow increasingly worried about it with each new day. Her devotion to her work translated to an odd anxiety, and he felt her become more reclusive, more concerned, and more unlike herself as the deadline approached. <br/>Hitch, like Ruby was a spy, an agent, so he was trained to observe people, behaviour, patterns, so it was no surprise that the picked up on her mannerisms; the tetchiness, tiredness, her weight loss. It didn’t take a genius to clock onto Ruby’s diet fascination, but this didn’t concern him initially, she was a teenage girl, what teenage girl didn’t try out a new fad-diet every now and then, her irritability could be due to raging hormones and her exhaustion was common in most kids in their last year of high school. But all these symptoms at once, and for so long, did cause him time and time again to wonder back to her, wondering if she was okay, if she wasn’t. <br/>Spectrum had appointed him to look out for Ruby, to keep her safe, and while this was a more physical duty, Hitch felt himself failing Spectrum, and himself, every time he observed Ruby come home late form the gym, looking beyond tired and somewhat ill, every time she missed breakfast, or lunch, or dinner, every time he saw her looking distant, sad, like she wasn’t fully there. <br/>‘They didn’t arrange for you to be her therapist’ he would reassure himself every time he saw Ruby head off for a cycle, for a swim, or a run. ‘You’re an agent, this is what her parents are for.’<br/>But that brought him to the difficult choice of telling Sabina and Brant. They were by no means the brightest couple in the world, and they had no doubt completely missed the subtle signals their daughter portrayed that indicated at her struggling. While they would of course do whatever they could to ensure their daughter was happy and healthy, he felt completely out of range. ‘It’s not your place’ he would cajole himself, feeling guiltier about it every passing day, knowing that he should do something, never having the courage to. <br/>He knew he should talk to Ruby, if not her parents, but again he couldn’t find the words. She had an annoying habit of rarely being serious, sometimes rarely being upfront; highly secretive when she wanted to be. And when approaching a highly sensitive topic like weight to a teenage girl, he felt out of his depth. He watched her slam her head into the side of the pool, what felt like a warning. He witnessed her seemingly unexplainable depressive state over the last 10 days, and sensed alarm bells. Ruby had seemed a little less miserable today, and so Hitch absolved to himself to at least talk to the kid, if anything for his own peace of mind, to do the bare minimum. <br/>He went to knock on her door, it was relatively late but he knew Ruby has something of a night-owl, so was surprised to hear no reply. On seeing her ramshackled but empty bedroom, he checked the tracking device linked up to her watch to find her, unsurprisingly, at the current Spectrum location. <br/>This felt as if it confirmed all his suspicions about her, so he speedily drove to where he knew she would be, and waited by the entrance, readying himself to confront her. The gym was 24 hours, he knew, he had been himself a few times, so now all he had to do was wait. <br/>It was a little gone 12 before he saw her exit, and quietly honked and rolled down the window so she had no choice of avoiding him. <br/>‘Fancy a lift back?’ He said nonchalantly.<br/>‘What, you following me or something?’ she joked as she slid into the passenger seat. <br/>‘Kid, it’s 12:06am on a Thursday evening, or Friday morning to be precise, what the hell are you doing at the Spectrum gym at this hour? You have first period English tomorrow in case you forgot.’<br/>Ruby didn’t like being questioned, or followed, or reminded of a lesson less than 8 hours away that required an unfinished essay. Hitch saw her mood darken and he tired eyes glaze over with resentful indifference. <br/>‘Lost track of time’ she replied, somewhat sulkily.<br/>‘No you didn’t’ he started uncertainly, keeping his eyes on the road ahead, ‘what are you playing at? You’ll work yourself to death.’<br/>‘The deadline’s in literally 5 days, are you surprised?’ she snapped. <br/>‘Kid, I think we both know this has more to do than the deadline’<br/>She was silent, facing away with her eyes to the window.<br/>‘It’s hardly like you’ll fail, y’know? Since when is Ruby Redfort worried about examinations? I thought you lived for these kinda tests’ he went on, more lightheartedly, still receiving no response. <br/>‘And you know-‘ he continued softly, ‘even if you did fuck up, they wouldn’t fire you, you’d just not be on field duty just yet, but that’s fine-‘<br/>‘-You don’t get it’ she interrupted fiercely, ‘I’m not failing this, it’s not an option, I need to prove to myself, and prove to LB, and spectrum, that I’ll be a great field agent’ she quieted, looking back out the window to the darkened streets, ‘that’s what I’ve been working towards for 3 months so I’m not about to let myself down in these last 5 fucking days’ she paused, ‘only 5 more days’ she added uncertainly, as if it excused everything.<br/>Hitch sensed how tense she was, what a raw subject this seemed to be, but couldn’t drop it. <br/>‘You think you’ll pass because you work yourself beyond exhaustion?’ he asked. They had arrived outside the Redfort house and they now looked at each other, her staring angrily back at him. <br/>‘Working out for 3 hours a day and wasting away isn’t the way to go, I can assure you’ he continued. I’m asking you kid, is this your idea of success?’ he could have sworn her emerald eyes seemed to glitter with tears, but didn’t allow himself to think about it.<br/>‘Kid, I hate to be in this position but I don’t think you should go to the Spectrum gym anymore-‘<br/>‘-Or what’ she interjected spitefully.<br/>He sighed, ‘I’ll tell LB I don’t think you’re ready, that I don’t think you should go through with the examination.’<br/>A moment of silence elapsed, and tension filled the car, them staring at each other. She looked so angry she could cry, and her face looked tired and hollow.<br/>Ruby didn't answer, only got out the car, slammed the door behind her, and made her way up to her bedroom.<br/>Hitch stayed where he was for a while after she had left, thinking, worrying. He wasn’t sure what else he could have done, but equally felt as if he had made everything worse. He stayed in the car, replaying their conversation, rapping his hand on the steering wheel until he saw her bedroom light shut off, and darkness fill her room.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. eleven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ruby was a lucky girl, she had been from birth. She felt especially lucky that Sabina had a home-gym, that due to her busy schedule, she only used on weekends. So Ruby thanked her lucky stars that, despite Hitch’s commands, she would be able to exercise, to train. Of course she could’ve done sit-ups on her bedroom floor for hours, but she tried that, and had had slightly suspicious bruises up her spine afterwards, which did more bad than good in the long run. So, naturally, on this particular Friday evening Ruby found herself on her mother’s treadmill. The test was on Monday, but the talk she had had with Hitch on Wednesday had jarred her, and left her feeling even more paranoid than normal. Her friends bringing stuff up was one thing, but Hitch, and therefore Spectrum, clocking onto anything made her feel like she was being watched more than normal. Now, alongside lunches at school she had someone within her own home spying on her, so she had to make sure she didn’t slip up. She cursed herself repeatedly for letting another person see that she was acting slightly different, and it drove her mad. She was a secret agent, emphasis on the secret, so why couldn’t she keep her mind, and her actions to herself? <br/>Of course, Ruby wasn’t stupid, so she had seen Hitch’s point. Overworking herself would be counter-productive, so in the days nearing the exam she made sure to eat 3 meals a day, very small “meals”, but meals nonetheless. She made sure to get at least 7 hours sleep, and drink plenty of water, but she still felt a familiar dizziness come over her as she ran, forcing to step off the machine just as her vision clouded and stars appeared. <br/>‘Not good Redfort’ she muttered as she steadied herself. If she was eating, and sleeping, why was her body not co-operating? She desperately needed it to cooperate, just for these last few days. <br/>As her vision slowly returned to normal, she decided to call it a night and collapse into bed. Clancy and the other’s had met up for a movie night, that of course, she couldn’t attend, but at this point she was so used to these small sacrifices that she hardly noticed. Obviously Clancy knew the deadline, and had sent her an encouraging voicemail, that had only the slightest hint of worry in it:<br/>‘Good luck this weekend! Don’t work yourself too hard Rube, seriously.’ <br/>As she got undressed and ready for bed, she allowed herself to look into her mirror, momentarily seeing the small, birdlike physique of a girl staring back at her. She stopped weighing herself last week, the numbers scared her too much. She had seen 94lbs and panicked, that was small, small for 5’4 and small for a 17 year old girl, but as she focused her eyes over her body in front of her she saw the familiar flaws that she wanted desperately to rid herself of, and the numbers faded away as she was once again faced with the sense of frustration. She still wasn’t where she wanted to be, and it maddened her to the point of exhaustion. Clancy’s words echoed round her head, ‘after the deadline it’ll all be over?’ And she realised that it couldn’t be, she still had too far to go, she couldn’t go back to normal, she couldn’t and she didn’t want to. <br/>But this of course had it’s own set of problems, friends, family, work, who would soon realise what she was doing, who would try and stop her. <br/>‘They’re not on your side, they don’t understand’ part of herself wanted to scream, and she had no choice but to listen, to agree. <br/>Her original motives for weight loss had become warped and confused in her mind, she couldn’t quite remember how she had gotten to the point she had, because in all truth she wasn’t really that worried about the test, she was fairly confident she would do okay, but she was trying to prove something desperately to someone, maybe herself, maybe her boss, but she also knew if LB knew what she was doing she would call her mad, so she was left only with the determination to do it for herself. What she was doing exactly, she also wasn’t sure of. Losing weight was meant to only be a side effect of her goal, her goal of success, but she felt the dilemma approach as weight loss became the goal, became the only thing she seemed to care about, and as she lay in bed awake, she couldn’t shake the dread she felt of the days to come. Not of the examination, but the aftermath, Hitch, Clancy, who would expect her to return to the happy, healthy girl she had been in summer. She couldn’t bring herself to destroy her progress to please them, but she saw no way out.</p><p>When Monday rolled around, Ruby felt light and airy and fairly invincible. Despite 5 hours sleep she felt energised in a way she hadn’t in weeks. Hitch drove her in silence to the location, one just out of Twinford that she had never been to before. As it was explained to her, it would work like some sort of escape game, someone would be trying to kill her (she hoped with a fake gun but wasn’t convinced) and her aim was to survive, navigate, and (pretend) kill the opponent. All going well, she would be expected to finish around 11, so Ruby judged the test couldn’t be more than 3 hours tops, only 3 hours for all the work she had put in. Hitch gave her an encouraging smile before he dropped her off, unmistakably noting how small she looked in leggings and a thermal top, but choosing to put those thoughts momentarily away as he drove off. <br/>It reminded her a lot of the survival training she had done when she had just started at Spectrum, and knew she would be using many outdoors skills as well as the precision and delicacy of weaponry training. Naturally, Ruby felt alert and prepared, so as she was stranded, she noted her surroundings, the misty November morning that elapsed the forest area, with no sign of sun as of yet. After the longest and arguably most intense 2 hours and 48 minutes of her life, she had successfully aimed, cornered, disarmed, and “shot” her enemy without so much of a scratch to herself.<br/>But by the time she had reached this point, she felt completely out of it, some sort of delirium that made her feel almost drunk, or drugged. She had no idea how long she had been, if she had passed, it felt as surreal and confusing as a fever dream, but she knew the moment it was over that she had succeeded. She had felt completely dissolved throughout the whole process, so elevated, so focused, but now she felt all the energy drain from her body at once, leaving her weak in the knees and short of breath. She saw an agent walking towards her, smiling, he had dark hair and dark eyes and seemed to be saying something to her, but she couldn’t hear his words, and noticed that she couldn’t seem to get any oxygen despite breathing heavily. She saw his smile turn into a frown before the floor tipped sideways and she found herself crumpled, blacked out at his feet.</p><p>She awoke suddenly, the agent she had seen earlier bending over her holding smelling salts. He had looked concerned but relaxed when she opened her eyes and staggered to sitting position. <br/>‘God you gave me a fright! Are you okay?’<br/>Ruby gathered enough information together to realise she blacked out, for how long she wasn’t sure, but realised the agent she was talking to may have spoken to someone, told spectrum she passed out, told Hitch. She sensed that this could jeopardise her chances of succeeding so had to think rapidly despite the heat and pressure she felt in her temples.<br/>‘Oh my god, did I black out? Sorry that happens all the time-’ <br/>He still looked worried but she took this as a cue to continue.<br/>‘-I have an iron deficiency, I didn’t take my tablets this morning but this whole testing thing would’ve brought this thing on’ she rambled on, collecting herself and trying to look as nonchalant as possible.  <br/>‘You’re sure you’re okay?’<br/>‘Positive’ she returned, giving her best smile, praying that due to the lack of other agents around that he hadn’t signalled for anyone. ‘How long was I out for?’ <br/>‘Only about a minute’ the guy said, ‘I’m agent Alterton by the way, I’ll be taking you back to Spectrum and reporting your results.’<br/>Ruby bit her lip, ‘which are?’<br/>He smiled and gave her a friendly wink, ‘you’ll have to wait to see.’</p><p>Ruby hadn’t quite recovered from her fainting by the time LB called her in, feeling slightly dizzy and nauseous in the waiting room, she had changed into jeans and a jumper but still felt almost feverishly cold, sipping orange juice Agent Alterton had given her while waiting to hear the results. He had made it out as if she had passed, but with LB you could never be sure. Ruby hoped and wiled with all her might that he hadn’t mentioned her blacking out to her boss, she felt as if it would cloud her judgment. <br/>‘So Redfort, congratulations’ LB said indifferently as she walked into her office. <br/>‘Thanks’ Ruby smiled, meaning it. <br/>‘Your hard work payed off’ her boss said, looking at her straight on, making her slightly nervous she would pick out a flaw and retract her decision. LB looked as if she wanted to say something, as if something was bothering her, she had reservations, clearly, about something, and Ruby felt herself grow hot under the woman’s slightly searching gaze. She looked like she was trying to figure something out, as if she was waiting for Ruby to crack and explain some big secret. <br/>Ruby nodded in reply. <br/>LB had returned back to her files, ‘Well, we will keep you on guard, you are now a fully fledged field agent, so be prepared. We are aware you will be sitting exams this year, so field work may not begin for you until summer.’<br/>Ruby nodded but felt her heart sink as her earlier suspicions were confirmed. She would have to keep up what she was doing, she couldn’t relax, or ‘go back to normal’, not now, maybe not ever. Her boss had just told her so, field work would require the response she gave today and more. The future once more seemed intimidating and relentless to Ruby, and she seemed to see the hours of work and sweat and restrictions that lay ahead. She had been foolish to imagine that her tactics and determination that got her to this place would ease off now, they had in reality only just begun. <br/>She left the white-walled rooms feeling delated and beyond tired. Hitch was waiting for her near the entrance, and from her demeanour had almost thought she failed.<br/>‘What’s the verdict’ he had asked immediately.<br/>Ruby forced a smile, ‘rest assured I can now shoot people with Spectrum’s permission’<br/>Hitch cracked into a smile and slapped her on the back gently, still not missing her muted behaviour. <br/>‘You don’t seem too excited kid’ he offered, cautiously in the ride back home.<br/>‘Just flattened from the whole thing, y’know’ <br/>Hitch could imagine easily the exhaustion she felt, and felt a similar worry Ruby did about the type of strain she might put herself under from hereon onwards. <br/>Silence elapsed between them once more, both aware of what might come of this, neither fully sure of what this meant for Ruby. He couldn’t shake the feeling that LB hadn’t made the right choice. Of course he thought Ruby should succeed, she had, after all, but it frustrated him that LB seemed not to see the same things he did, how much Ruby had changed, and seemingly for the worst. He didn’t think field work would be the right thing for Ruby to do if this was how she was punishing herself to excel at it, she would burn out, she would mess herself up if she hadn’t already. He had put enough pieces together to conclude she must have some kind of eating issues, disorder perhaps, and he badly wanted someone else to notice and fix the situation, but he saw that if any immediate action was to be taken, it would fall in his hands. This wasn’t a decision, or a conversation he wanted to have, and as he glanced at Ruby, now lightly sleeping with an expression of serenity on her tired face, he felt once more so intrinsic yet so on the outside.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Right this is my first fic cos I have wayyy to much time on my hands. this is so oddly specific I'm fully aware this is niche and a bit pointless to write!! still gna do it though cos this came to me in a dream and now i gotta write it all out babey</p></blockquote></div></div>
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